The 10 Worst{ Valentine’s Chocolate} Ads on Facebook

Valentine’s Day is here again. If you’re partnered up, you have a choice: give chocolate, or give the wrong gift. Not wrong as in, “Oh, uh, thanks, you shouldn’t have!” but wrong as in “There’s literally an entire industry propping up this holiday.” Besides, you’re in a relationship: now is not the time for independent thought.

So accept it: you’re going to have to dig deep for this most consumeristic of days. There is literally only one decision for you to make: which chocolates? But there’s the problem… for Big Chocolate, that is.

When your products are essentially the same as The Other Guy’s, how do you convince people to buy them? Marketing.

Good marketing relies on an emotional connection with your customer base. Yet despite what Mr. Gump said, there’s really not a lot of mystery behind the staple Valentine’s gift.

“Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know just—oh, wait, there’s a guide on the inside of the lid.”

Sugar, fruit, and milk can only be mixed together in so many ways, after all. Unless your significant other has a significant allergy, you’re pretty much going to be getting the same thing on the inside of the box regardless of what is on the outside. And of course no matter what the chocolates look like going in, they’re all going to look the same coming out. (Again, unless they have significant allergies.)

So how do you sell chocolate effectively? I don’t know; I don’t work in marketing. And I was never terribly good at sales. But this is 2017 in America, and I don’t need to be good at anything to have an opinion on it.

Here are my picks for the Ten Worst Valentine’s Day ads on Facebook (plus one other that I had to throw in).

#10: Russell Stover

 Caption: “Skip the lines and have the best selection available: pick up your Valentine’s chocolate now. (And get yourself a treat while you’re at it.)”

There’s nothing really wrong with this ad. There’s just no focal point. There’s about 3-4 different products pictured, and while that seems to be the “selection” mentioned, this doesn’t help a consumer pick a gift and go with it.

And of course, what kind of ad doesn’t help someone spend their money?

So it’s not really bad, just… not good.

#9: Lindt Chocolate

Caption: “Even if it’s chilly (or snowing) where you live, these Strawberries & Cream Chocolate Ice Cream Sandwiches are an impressive Valentine’s Day dessert for your date night or dinner party. See how Climbing Grier Mountain makes them in our Lindt Inspiration Magazine.”

Visually striking, but let’s face it: The majority of people buying Valentine’s Day chocolates are men, buying them for women. Do they want to see an ad that’s not something they can buy, but something that someone else made? No. And on the flipside, how many women would want to eat something that their men-friends made themselves? None.

Someone should also tell Lindt that chocolate and Valentine’s Day are supposed to be bright and colorful. Next time, keep the sugared sprinkles in the foreground and lose the depressing black plate, tablecloth, and backdrop.

#8: Ghirardelli

 Caption: “This Valentine’s Day, leave the sweet talking to us.”

The ad is for chocolate, right? So where’s the chocolate?

Oh—there it is.

I guess it could be worse…

#7: See’s Candies

Caption: “The way to anyone’s heart is chocolate, so treat them to a gift they won’t be able to resist! With our 3 pound Elegant Heart box, maybe they’ll even share.”

… you could have too much chocolate.

I like chocolate, don’t get me wrong. But looking at 3 pounds of it all at once makes me just a little ill. And can we talk about that caption?

Hopefully they share, or else yes, they will get fat. And while my understanding of women is pretty limited—being a) a dude, and b) a dude married to a dude—I’m pretty sure they don’t like being fat.

Lastly, the way to anywhere, let alone people’s hearts, is not with pounds of chocolate. Atherosclerosis is a thing.

#6: Ferrero Rocher

Caption: “The best things come in twos, of course.”

Props to Ferrero Rocher for not assuming who’s giving and who’s getting, here. At least, I think that’s what’s going on.

But you can’t take two identical things, label one of them differently than the other, and then suddenly they’re gendered. What happens if you lose the signs?

Masculinity is fragile and endangered. Is it worth accidentally eating “her” chocolate? No real man would take that risk.

#5: Guylian

Caption: “Who thinks this is the ideal gift for Valentine’s Day?”

Maybe you hadn’t heard of Guylian chocolates before. Neither had I, until I realized I had didn’t have 10 pictures but had already decided after my deadline that this was going to be a Top 10.

Everything from the stock photo image to the wimbly caption screams “We’re a company who takes making chocolate too seriously to have a marketing department.”

Overall this ad is pretty crappy. The chocolates look a little crappy too. As in, they look like crap. Like from a dog’s butt.

Maybe it’s the hazelnut? Whatever, they’re Belgian. Moving on.

#4: Hershey’s

Caption: “Why wait for February? Start prepping early with your little Valentines and #WelcomeHappy!”

A small bit of context: this ad was posted on January 20th, so the “waiting for February” line isn’t out of place.

What is out of place? “Little Valentines.”

Valentine’s Day is about indulging in excesses of the body: alcohol, chocolate, and marathon sex sessions. But when you become a parent and marathon sex sessions are definitely not on the agenda anymore, you probably don’t want anything to remind you that you’re not as young as you used to be. And making Valentine’s Day cards with your kids is a great way to be reminded that they’re the reason you can’t have fun anymore and are probably a horrible person.

Also I’m a little terrified of my candy picking up sharp objects with weird prehensile wrappers now.

But the ultimate sin here is that the candy is still the same Hershey’s kiss! They changed the wrapper, and that’s it.

Lazy, Hershey’s. Lazy.

#3: Patchi

Caption: “Surprise him this Valentine’s Day with a luxurious chocolate box filled with delicious chocolates! #PatchiValentine”

Patchi is another company that I hadn’t heard of yet. But can you guess what they make?