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Pull up a barstool, ladies. After 32 years as a dude, I’ve learned a few things about how this whole thing works for us guys. So, throw me some questions, and I’ll give it to you straight.
Wondering what the rules should be for people in relationships, when it comes to what is allowed at a strip club?
Segue City, USA! Listen, I have never been to a male strip club. I don’t think my wife has ever been to a male strip club. But at the risk of sounding incredibly hypocritical, male strip clubs should be off limits to married and/or respectable women. I say this because men are disgusting creeps. Just because they’re getting paid to dance doesn’t mean they’re not going to try some dirty shit with the audience. Also, as a warning to the lady readers, my guess is that the Saturday afternoon lineup at Manhandles isn’t going to include Channing Tatum, so you may be disappointed anyway.
Which leads me to why “regular” (see: naked women) strip clubs should be “on-limits.” Strippers are at the club for one reason, and that is to make money. Not to fall in love, not to fulfill sexual desire… just to get that green. While an argument can be made that the overall practice is a bit degrading, keep in mind that these are at-will employees capitalizing on assets for profit. That’s just about as American as it gets, for better or worse.
So for all the WAGs out there, remember that a strip club is a safer space for your dude than a bar where the single civilian ladies are still trying to lock down a mate.
Is it cool for married people to be on Tinder (or other apps) for ego purposes, as long as they don’t act on it?
Absofuckinglutely not. That’s like asking “Hey, is it cool if I buy some heroin and do that thing where I put some in a spoon and heat it with a lighter and tie a rubber band around my arm and tap the vein, but don’t act on it?”
If you need an ego boost, go check out your beautiful spouse and reflect on the fact that he or she agreed to spend the rest of their life with an idiot who hasn’t deleted Tinder yet.
Is Valentine’s Day the most amateur day for relationships, or is it actually important?
The initial Valentine’s Day of a new coupling is actually important; the rest don’t mean anything. The first 365 days are laden with tests and traps to help define a relationship, and V-Day is one of them. It is an opportunity to show that you’re serious, sort-of-serious, or ready to begin the process of ending things in a passive-aggressive way.
Men treat VD (the day, not the disease) as a necessary evil, but also as an opportunity to express themselves. If they’re really into their girlfriend they will send her flowers at work and cook her dinner. If they’re sort of into their casual hookup, they’ll email a funny note from someecards.com and ask to meet for a drink. Or, if they want to cut ties like a Game of Thrones beheading, they just ignore the day altogether.
If you’re married and still celebrate VD as a holiday, you’re an absolute sucker. No law against doing nice things for each other throughout the year.
P.S. for the Ladies – No need to get the guy anything. Seriously. We don’t care at all. Save your money.
As a woman, how can we convince a man to care more about personal grooming? I don’t mean perfect hair or a manicure, I mean how can I get him to take care of those long ass nose hairs?
Like most relationship problems this can be solved with clear, polite communication. For example: “You are such a handsome guy, but did you ever notice how you get those nose hairs?”
Or you can be less passive-aggressive: “Your face is great… I love your face. But I really hate when you don’t trim your nose hairs. Please do that.”
If those approaches don’t work you should just withhold sex. Something like, “I will not have sex with you until you trim your nose hairs.” No need to beat around the bush, no pun intended.
Assuming you’re single, is there a definitive list of who is truly off limits as a sex partner (Friend’s ex? Married person? Jane Fonda?)
I have never even thought of this list, so let’s make one now…
The Definitive List Of People You Can’t Have Sex With
1. The current partner of anybody you want to remain friends with. (This almost goes without saying.)
2. The ex of anybody you want to remain friends with (Unless you have express-written consent from the friend AND your potential relationship with the subject in question is greater than whatever transpired with your friend.)
3. Minors (This should go without saying as well. But in general, you can use the Half Plus Seven Rule… so if you’re 30 years old, your equation would be 30 / 2 = 15 + 7 = 22. Keep it simple.)
4. Coworkers (Mondays suck on their own, no need to add the stress of a potential HR violation, or worse, turning Sally from Accounting into a Stage-5 Clinger.)
5. Neighbors (Potential Disaster > Convenience.)
6. The bartender or waitress at your favorite bar (DON’T RUIN THE BAR!)
7. Inmates (Unless you were already screwing when they were put away, AND they’re serving a short stint for a non-violent offense. Otherwise, you have a lot more to lose than they do.)
8. Baylor Football Players (Unless “non-consensual” is your thing.)
9. Homeless People (If you host, then you’re running the risk of being used for shelter. And if they host, it’s even worse…so just let them get their shit together before you start dating.)
10. Steve Bannon
Note: “Married People” aren’t on this list. Somebody else’s relationship is not your responsibility. People are going to make their own decisions. Neither is Jane Fonda… far be it for me to exclude such a fine wine.
Got a question for Mike? Tweet us or hit us up on Facebook and we’ll answer our best submissions in the next issue.
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