The Prompt NFL Power Rankings: Week 15

Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes or analysis that might offend you or your football team, and for the bad photoshopping.

1 & 2. (Tie) Patriots & Giants

Is this really happening again? It is, isn’t it? This is the inevitable outcome of the 2016 NFL season.

I said this a month ago:

“I wanted to point out that this 2016 Giants team smells a lot like the 2011 Giants. The current group actually has a better record at this point in the season then the team that won the Super Bowl five years ago. I can’t shake the feeling that they’re going to sneak into the playoffs at 10-6, beat the Falcons or Vikings in the Wild Card round, and then go on a little run and get back to the dance. Keep an eye on them, just saying.”

The Patriots are a game up on Oakland for the #1 seed in the AFC, while the Giants have a stranglehold on the NFC wildcard. The stars appear to be aligning for a match up that will re-write the record books: Either the Brady/Belichick Patriots are the only team in history to win 5 Super Bowls, or they’re a great team that went 0-3 against Eli Fucking Manning. On the flip side, Eli’s Giants can be known as legendarily efficient championship assassins, or a borderline .500 team that got lucky twice and won fluke titles.

Here are 10 reasons why these teams are going to Houston:

1. The Patriots won’t lose at home.
2. If the Patriots have to go to Oakland they will put up 50 points and Belichick will put Derek Carr in his back pocket.
3. The Giants have the Cowboys’ number, period.
4. Jerry Jones and Jason Garrett WILL screw up the Dak/Romo situation.
5. Odell Beckham Jr. isn’t human.
6. The Seahawks are on the verge of self-destruction.
7. The Packers are still a flawed team despite the winning streak.
8. The Lions are garbage.
9. The Falcons are garbage.
10. Eli is the luckiest human being on the planet.

3. The Salvation Army

Sure, Santa is a great spokesperson, and his “helpers” do a great job ringing their bells and getting donations. But the fact remains that the Salvation Army Santas are not the real Santa, and have probably never even met him. So by incorporating the charity into his touchdown celebration, Ezekiel Elliott became the new face of giving this holiday season, just weeks before he will receive a few trophies for his incredible rookie season.

P.S. – 💀💀💀

4. Tom Savage

SNAP IT TO THE BACKUP OOOOOOOHHHH YEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Brock Osweiler finally did it. After weeks of being the worst* quarterback in the league, his two-interception performance in the first half on Sunday finally earned him a spot on the bench. Bill O’Brien pulled the $70 Million Dollar Man in favor of the Macho Man Tom Savage, who threw for 260 yards and rallied the Texans back for a 21-20 win to keep them alive in the sadly dramatic AFC South race.

* Technically Ryan Fitzpatrick is the worst QB in football, but he had the decency to get hurt and spare Jets’ fans from having to watch any more interceptions. 

5. The AFC South

While we’re on the subject, lets just recognize this dumpster fire of a division and the ensuing drama that is about to unfold. The Texans and Titans are both 8-6 and play each other Week 17. If the Colts are a game back, but if they can win in Oakland on Christmas Eve they are right back in it, since they hold the tiebreaker over Tennessee. Houston can easily lose the next two games, but Indy needs the Jags to upset Tenness—OK so maybe I am trying to create drama where it doesn’t exist. Nobody should be watching these games. The division winner is going to lose to KC by 3 touchdowns. I’m sorry I wasted your time.

6. Gus Bradley

On that note, let’s throw a quick shout out to Jags now-ex-head coach Gus Bradley for escaping this division in one piece. Sure, he probably won’t ever get another job of this caliber, but at least he doesn’t have to wake up every day and try to coach the Jacksonville Jaguars.

But now for the real reason that he made the list, so that I could share this incredible stat: If Bill Belichick went 0-16 for the next 41 (FORTY-ONE!) seasons he would still have a better winning percentage than Bradley. I know you don’t believe that; look it up.

7. The 2008 Detroit Lions

Misery loves company, and the ’08 Lions are two games away from getting a roommate in their basement apartment (worst Craigslist ad ever). The Browns got crushed by Buffalo this week, leaving only the Chargers and Steelers standing in the way of whatever the opposite of perfection is. I think San Diego will show up this week, motivated by the thought of being Cleveland’s only win. The Browns’ best chance to win a game and avoid being the part-answer to a trivia question is for Pittsburgh to beat Baltimore on Christmas and rest their starters Week 17. If they fail, then corks will pop in a sad corner of the sad bar in which Daunte Culpepper, Jon Kitna, and Dan Orlovsky are drinking.

8. Miami Dolphins

Don’t look now, but if the season ended today the Dolphins would be a playoff team. After a 1-4 start, the Fish have gone on an 8-1 run and sit in the 2nd wild card spot. A knee injury to Ryan Tannehill threatened to doom their aspirations, but backup Matt Moore was able to step in on Saturday night and throw four TDs in a rout of the Jets. If you don’t remember the performance, it is because you have a life. Congrats on not being a loser!

9. Brandin Cooks

I’ll admit that the only reason that Cooks made the rankings is because his 186-yard 2-TD performance in Arizona won me a fantasy football semifinal game. I have been waiting for this breakout performance for weeks and he delivered on the biggest stage under the brightest lights. I also wanted to take the opportunity to remind everyone that fantasy football is incredibly stupid and takes up way too much of our time, but that you’ll be hearing about it more next week if I win the championship.

10. Dodgeball

So this is happening. The NFL announced that dodge ball will be a competitive event at a skills competition during Pro Bowl week. Will I watch it? Yes, absolutely, with pop corn. Is it a reminder that the Pro Bowl is the dumbest organized sporting event in America and needs to be abolished immediately? Yes, that too. It is being reported that Ray Lewis will be one of the “Legend Captains” for the event, because as everyone knows, “If you can dodge a murder charge, you can dodge a ball.”

Also Receiving Votes: The Hoes and Where They At, Brock Osweiler’s Agent, Christian McCaffrey, Rex Ryan (for now), Devonta Freeman, Julian Edelman, and the L.A. Raiders.