Villain Hotties 2: We Got Next

In this esteemed publication, you may have recently read that beautiful, evil men are to blame for the fall of society. Just more nonsense messaging from the liberal left. Men are murderers. Womanizers. Opportunists. Power hungry. Men are disgracing their families. Basically, men are ruining the world. How basic.

Consider this our “No Pigeons” to your “No Scrubs.”

If you believe that behind every great man is a great woman, we’ve got some news that may upset you. That’s only half of the story. We are here to point out that there are plenty of beautiful, evil women doing bad all by themselves. This is the 21st century and even though women still can’t be American presidents (Thanks, Putin), they can still burn some shit down.

Women won’t settle for just breaking hearts anymore; they want to break the glass ceiling. They say they want to smash the patriarchy and end up smashing everything in their path.

Erin Vail and Meg Kearns picked some of their favorite male villain hotties, and now on behalf of underrepresented and marginalized men everywhere, it’s our turn to bow down to the baddest bitches. Women whose mystery and immorality are cloaked in trench coats and fishnets and deserve full diplomatic immunity.

Josh Bard’s Pick: Sarah Michelle Gellar (Kathryn), Cruel Intentions

This is an easy pick for a red-blooded, sexually frustrated high school boy. As a mere pup in 1999 when Cruel Intentions premiered, I was NOT READY for Kathryn, the sneaky, malicious, egotistical, exploitative, self-serving, Kathryn, who still crosses my mind three days a week.

Equipped with pearls, a push-up bra, and the soul of the devil, Kathryn is introduced as a perpetual thorn in the side. A rebellious, sexually liberated, trust fund bad girl. As the movie progresses and other characters find happiness, Kathryn feeds off it. Her schemes grow more complicated and devious, until she becomes a full-fledged villain hottie.

She lies, cheats, double-crosses, and bangs her way into getting what she wants, leaving behind her a wake of cello teachers, V-cards, and gay Paceys.

As a man of principle, Kathryn should evoke a crusade out of me. But did I mention that push-up bra? Did you see the way she writhed on her step-brother? Even that sentence is disgusting… until you see her do it. Then you never don’t see her do it.

1999 Sarah Michelle Gellar could have convinced me to do just about anything. She certainly did convince me to see Cruel Intentions many, many times. If she’d had the ambition, she could have been our generation’s Joan of Arc.

She is a Swiss-Army knife of duplicitousness. She has the brains to out-connive anyone in her way. She can talk out of one side of her mouth while kissing Selma Blair from the other. She has the moral fluidity of someone who only truly cares about herself. She doesn’t gracefully leap over hurdles, she runs them over in a monster truck.

And just to throw you off her trail, she wears that rosary crucifix necklace to trick you into believing she is harmless… and definitely doesn’t do drugs.

Jesse Stone’s Pick: Keri Russell (Elizabeth Jennings), The Americans

OK, look, I know what you are going to say. What is The Americans? Well, I can’t help you if that is your question. Go binge watch arguably one of the greatest television dramas of the last decade and then get back to me. Now for those of you who have watched, I know what you are going to say: Elizabeth isn’t a villain.

Well I beg to differ. According to the internet, a villain is defined as:

villain (noun)
a cruelly malicious person who is involved in or devoted to wickedness or crime; scoundrel.

Let’s see, first off, Elizabeth and Phillip are in the country illegally. Also, she is a KGB agent, which I’m pretty sure is not legal. She has conned many, many people. Plus there’s that thing where she has killed many, many people. So yes, I’d say she qualifies as someone who is “devoted to crime.”

Sure, you say, but Is Elizabeth cruel?

Well, there was that one time that Elizabeth wanted to get her informant promoted, so she happened upon the informant’s boss working underneath a car and decided the most efficient way to get what she wanted was to pull the old kick-out-the-jack maneuver. Car crushes boss, informant gets promotion, and Elizabeth is just… I mean, I don’t even know what she thinks or feels in these moments. But I’d love to see the semantic gymnastics required to argue that intentionally dropping a car on a person to fast-track a promotion isn’t a “cruel” act.

Yes, I get it, Elizabeth is complicated. That’s part of what makes the show so amazing. It’s part of the same reason we fell in love with Tony and Carm. So yeah, Elizabeth, is in some senses a heroine, and in other very meaningful senses also clearly a villain.

Even more to the point, though? She’s hot. Yes, I admit I watched the first couple seasons of Felicity and maybe had a little crush on her back then. But I got over it quicker than she got over long hair (and way, way, way quicker than Felicity got over Ben).

Imagine my surprise then when she reappeared in my life. More beautiful than ever. With a sexy (but rarely used) Russian accent. Wearing amazing wigs and scandalous outfits and just daring someone to come along and make her care for them as much as she cares for her mother country.

Honorable Mentions:

• Sharon Stone: Basic Instinct (The OG)
• Marion Cotillard: The Dark Knight Rises
• Denise Richards: Wild Things
• Rosamund Pike: Gone Girl
• Tricia Helfer (Number 6): Battlestar Galactica
• Carmen Sandiego
• Carice van Houten (Melisandre): Game of Thrones
• Hayden Panetierre: Nashville
• Allison Williams: Girls
• Demi Moore, Charlies Angels: Full Throttle
• Any Kardashian except the mom
• Margot Robbie, Suicide Squad
• Jennifer Aniston, Horrible Bosses
• Sean Young (Lt. Lois Einhorn), Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

Did your villain hottie not make our list? Tweet at us @joshbard and @the_atomish to share your nominee!