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Dear Sam,
By the time this letter arrives, I will be gone. Everything we built together, shared together… I want you to know that I won’t seek any equitable division of assets. I leave you with what I can carry. Do as you wish with what’s left.
I canceled my phone so don’t bother trying to call or text. And though I see clearly now that you’ve moved on, please don’t look for me. Know that my lawyer says the PFA order I filed with the court is enforceable internationally (that’s the only hint you’ll get!).
I suppose it would be cliché to say “it’s not you; it’s me.” That is so typical of the old me, sparing your pompous ego at my expense. But make no mistake, my leaving you is 100 percent on you. How you’ve changed from the carefree days of our beginnings. Or maybe you deceived me all those years, and I didn’t know who you really were.
When a relationship turns abusive, how natural to keep blindly doubling down on love, even when the cards are turned up and it’s obvious. I was the fool.
Remember our early days, you and I? Sure, we were both born of dysfunction, but I always believed that our combined purpose was special. Oh, there was much turbulence in our early days, but we were growing, evolving, learning from our youthful mistakes and those of our forebears. We’d stay up nights endlessly talking, and there was truth in the air, abundant in our hearts. We were striving to be a shining example to the entire world.
I pledged my allegiance to you. I saluted you. I put myself on the line for you, serving you honorably with my whole heart. When I traveled the world apart from you, I remember talking to people from far away places who warned me. They said terrible things about you, that you were greedy and arrogant and self-righteous. I dismissed their jealous insults. They just wanted what I had, and what I had was good. Great, in fact. In time they would see the greatness that I always knew was in you.
Sure there were times where you showed your dark side, but I was blinded by love. Your meanness crept out in little ways, but I always forgave. Younger friends stopped by, and you’d yell idiotic things from the couch when you thought no one was listening. I rationalized.
“Oh, you know how crazy Uncle Sam can be sometimes. He means nothing by it.”
As we got along in years, more comfortable and prosperous, your ugly side started to come right out in the open. Like a spoiled child, you wanted satisfaction quickly. You got bored easily and needed to be constantly entertained. You no longer apologized for baseless hatred. And even then I stuck it out with you. “Older people sometimes lose their filters,” I told people.
But you were oh so popular with our friends. I always felt they liked you more than me. Your bold, brash charm… a charisma I guess I lacked. I woke up one day and realized that everybody secretly loved that side of you, the side I despised. They laughed at your cruel jokes and agreed and took the insults even further. As usual, you were the life of the party, and the party was getting much louder, and more crowded, and full of an energy I didn’t recognize.
Where did this leave you and I, after all we’ve been through together?
My last hope was to fight fire with fire. If you decided it was okay to go around without your filter, I would finally remove mine. So I went full bore into our friends with how I felt so differently about everything. I decided to draw a big line in the sand and make a final stand to save us. I asked everyone, and I mean everyone, how they felt. And to my shock, they all sided with you.
And so , that hill I chose to die on? Well, you know the rest.
I’ve talked to counselors and taken meds and tried everything to cope with the pain of our breakup. And if I said I no longer loved you, I’d be lying. A part of me will always love you, Sam. You were the love of my life, and I do hope that you get everything you want in this world. But I’ve come to realize we just want different things. I simply cannot go along with your craven desires. And we both know It goes way beyond simply wanting different things. The things you want, I abhor, and apparently, vice versa.
As I begin to experience life for the first time on my own, there are so many little things I miss about us. Convenience. Familiarity. Affluence. Comforts. Constant stimulation. But the thing I miss least about our time together was the effects of a non-stop toxic drip I’d been consuming for far too long. How ironic that you and your friends always blamed the outsiders, when (like one of those creepy DATELINE episodes) it was YOU. You were poisoning me all along. Who would have ever suspected?
I hope whatever bizarre dystopia you seek brings you some measure of happiness.
I’m finding out that all those things I thought I needed and valued every day, I actually don’t. All of that just camouflaged what was truly good, and I am now happily rediscovering it.
Sending you positive vibes.
Love always,
Humanity
P.S. – You probably don’t miss my incessant nagging.
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