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Dear Billionaire,
I recently inherited a big chunk of money, and I’d like your advice on what would be a better investment. The first option is a Boys & Girls Club in my hometown that could really use the help. They were pivotal to my childhood, and I would hate to see them shut their doors due to a lack of local support. The second option is a youth orchestra with whom my nephew performs. Their performance space is being converted into a bowling alley. With my funding, both organizations could flourish for generations. What is the better investment?
Thanks,
Lots of Loving Loot
Dear Lots,
You misspelled “pleasure yacht.” What the hell is wrong with you? God invented poor people so people like us could feel better about ourselves. If I helicopter into your pathetic little hamlet and I DON’T see two Rolex watches on your wrist, I’m hiring someone to stomp on you like a grape at my third winery. Opulence is the key to happiness, swine.
Bill
$$$
Dear Billionaire,
My teacher assigned us homework to write an essay about our heroes. Who were your heroes when you were my age?
Signed,
Steven
3rd Grade
Herbert Hoover Elementary School
Dear Steven,
The first thing I’d do is ask your parents to transfer you to another school. I don’t know any kid who’d want to attend a school honoring the president who brought on the Great Depression. How depressing. Get it? Depressing about the depression? You can’t buy great jokes like that anywhere, Steven. You owe me $500, but I’ll give you the first one for free.
Second, American history is lined with admirable persons who changed the world. Choose carefully, though. I’ll bet that if your teacher gets another essay about George Washington or Abe Lincoln, they’ll have a stroke. My top three suggestions:
- Robert Morris, Jr., Founding father and Declaration signer, along with Al Hamilton, he developed America’s financial system, which of course, led to where we are today. I’m rich. Thanks, Bob!
- J. D. Rockefeller. Founder of Standard Oil, at one point, he controlled 90 percent of the country’s oil. Richer than God himself. Set the example for all billionaires like me. You wanna be someone when you’re older? Be like J.D. Wear a “What Would JDR Do?” bracelet. Crush your competitors. Drink from the keg of the lord in a solid gold goblet.
- Soupy Sales. That guy made me laugh like nobody else. Anyone who could smack Frank Sinatra with a pie in the face had some serious street cred. Hasn’t been a televised contest since the days of “What’s My Line,” and it’s all thanks to Soupy… whose first name is actually Milton.
And don’t forget to transfer to Bezos Elementary, and thank me later.
Bill
$$$
Dear Billionaire,
What do you like to order when you go to a McDonald’s?
Ronald M.
Dear “Ronald,”
When I go to a McDonald’s, I order everyone to leave except the crew. Then I order them to report to culinary school immediately to learn some valuable food skills. Once that is completed, I order one of my hundred business managers to open a restaurant making food that tastes just like Mickey D’s, and I order them to open them across the street from other McDonald’s across the U.S. I also order the contractor on my new restaurant’s site to install THREE arches to stare down McDonald’s measly two, because everyone knows: More is more, and more is better!.
Once that is complete, then I walk into my new establishment and order a 1 Percent Burger, a huge Fried ‘Mericas, and a Yacht-sized soda made from imported cane sugar freshly cut that morning from my private island and the gluten-free tears of my Golden Arch competitors.
I do like a McDonald’s chocolate shake, though. It tastes like the dreams of a milk chocolate angel.
Bill
$$$
Dear Billionaire,
In a robust economy, do you tend to diversify your asset capital or do you find progressive investments are stronger statements of financial viability for your future investors?
Signed,
Paul Getty’s Ghost
Dear Getty,
This column is only for questions on my billions. Take your LSAT GRE Pre-Med bullshit questions and sit down.
Bill
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