Chicken Soup for the Egotist

Our egos just can’t get enough calories these days. No matter how much we feed them, these hungry beasts never seem to get enough. Over the years I’ve collected some classic, easy-to-make recipes that keep my starving ego churning along.

It all starts with the right ingredients. I’ve found combining these three classic staples in fresh, innovative ways always leaves me feeling fulfilled and ready to take on anybody:

1. Narcissism – I buy it monthly in bulk (20 lb bags – Costco, look for BOGOs), or if I’m running low, 1 lb very handsome containers.

1. Insecurity – Still working through a surplus from my childhood. Thankfully it has no expiration date. Can’t seem to keep it out of any recipe.

1. Exaggerated sense of capability – Again, a very long shelf-life here. I pick this only occasionally because a little goes a long way (this ingredient expands over time).

Now, check out these quick, ready-to-eat recipes for that ravenous ego on the go.

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Day 1 – Breakfast

Over morning coffee, clean up your social media connections. Now that you’re way better than they are, delete a few connections with people whom you’ve eclipsed socially and/or professionally. Identify someone who might be more important than you and direct message them that you just got back from business in Paris and want to catch up.

Day 1 – Lunch

Take a few minutes and phone a friend. Be sure to dominate at least 90 percent of the conversation. Whenever your buddy tries to talk about something he cares about, pivot abruptly to a topic that excites you.

*Prep these meals by texting the friend in advance. Lunch breaks can be short, so be sure to get all your caloric needs quickly.

Day 1 – Snack

Give an impromptu speech for no apparent reason. Punctuate it with something you feel is very important.

*Make these ahead, freeze them and bring one to work every day.

Day 1 – Dinner

Tell a long, self-indulgent story to several friends. Raise your voice to command their attention. Watch everyone’s eyes closely as your curated tale hits several engaging crescendos. Leverage the sheer force of your personality to fight for every word of that story. Talk over hijackers. And as it ends, demand the reaction you so richly deserve.

*One of my favorite go-to meals with friends at home or at a restaurant.

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Day 2 – Breakfast

Obsess over what you’ll wear today. Spend an extra thirty minutes nailing your outfit. Let everyone who sees you today know you’re so much more serious than they are.

*If Zooming, it’s a quicker meal—just break out the Tommy Hilfiger polo shirt and gel your hair. Get that ego fully energized for another big day.

Day 2 – Lunch

Reach out and comfort a loved one in need. But before you do, decide exactly what grand gesture you want to make, and be sure that gesture makes you feel really, really good. When you make it, make it so grand that your depressed friend has no choice but to put aside his sadness and acknowledge how wonderful you are.

Day 2 – Snack

As someone is telling a story, interrupt it and inject yourself. Once you’re fully inserted, complete the story with a more entertaining ending.

*Terrific snack of opportunity when your tummy’s grumbling and some idiot is talking.

Day 2 – Dinner

Go visit family for dinner and just flat-out dominate them. Cancel their dinner plans, bring the food to prepare and take over their kitchen and hold court. While cooking, flamboyantly explain your recipe like you’re Gordon Ramsay. They’ll appreciate your total superiority.

*Go all out and bring the whole pantry, but be sure every ingredient is empathy-free (usually at least 50 percent more expensive, but it’s the magic that makes this dish pop).

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Day 3 – Breakfast

Start the day with a comic, flirty email string, or online chat with a co-worker and keep it going through the remainder of the workday. The speed at which they reply and the irreverence of their responses will tell you just how damn desirable you are.

*Delicious but addictive guilty pleasure. 

Day 3 – Lunch

Pick something that a friend is good at and beat them at it. If it’s the one thing they claim as their “thing”… even better!

*You’ll find these in the energy bar aisle. Every brand these days is 100 percent empathy-free. 

Day 3 – Snack

Call Mom. Mention that tournament you won in high school. Don’t correct any of her exaggerations. Rev her up and bask in another one of those “my perfect son” monologues.

*Just pop these in the microwave. A classic, no-effort leftover treat.

Day 3 – Dinner

Trick out the living space in your house and then invite company over. Enjoy the buzz you get when you see them thinking you live like this every day… and that you are, in fact, your spectacular house.

*Worth the extra effort if you have the prep time, but just be sure to steer your guests clear of that one bedroom with all of your shit piled floor to ceiling. 

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Day 4 – Breakfast

Take some time this morning to dig up every snooty, probably-never-read book in your house and arrange them on the shelf behind your office chair. Add that picture of you and Barack Obama at Martha’s Vineyard. Adjust the camera zoom and lighting to get just the right angle.

Day 4 – Lunch

Argue with someone and don’t stop until they’re intellectually subdued. Pick something you know little about, look up a few random, disconnected almost-facts, and bully them until they tire of the conversation, and you tire of them. Flex!

*Again, delicious but very addictive. Avoid bingeing on being right.

Day 4 – Snack

When the topic of illness or hardship comes up, loudly proclaim something far worse that’s happened to you.

*Classic comfort food for the totally self-absorbed. Never let someone else win the affliction game.

Day 4 – Dinner

Go to happy hour with a work buddy. Show him just how much better you are at talking to strangers than he is. Get at least one woman you don’t know to react to you in a favorable way.

Keep performing until everyone wishes they were you.

*The fisherman’s platter of fine, egotistical dining.

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And finally, my favorite snack….

Write a piece for an online blog and wait for the blissful euphoria of seeing your own super-important words in print.