The Prompt’s NFL Power(less) Rankings – Week 3: U.G.L.Y. You Ain’t Got No Alibi!

These are The Prompt’s own biweekly* NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.

* I’ll do my best.

At least once a season we encounter a week of NFL football where the bad outweighed the good. In response we put our thang down, flip it and reverse it. Let’s rank the worst of the worst…

1. All Of Us Who Watched Sunday Night Football

I won’t be providing much analysis this week, instead let’s collectively vent about the garbage we witnessed last weekend. I understand that the season is young, but there are better ways to spend a Sunday night than watching two teams unsuccessfully attempting to suck less than the other.

Russell Wilson threw for fewer than 200 yards without a touchdown pass. The Broncos punted 10 times and were booed off the field by their home crowd after every failed possession. AND THEY WON THE GAME.

Somehow Jimmy G and the 49ers were a little worse, highlighted by the rare safety in which the QB get taken down by a strip of white paint:

Somehow House of the Dragon had a less confusing and more uplifting conclusion that night. Pathetic.

2. The Buffalo Bills’ Undefeated Season

So much for the big bad unbeatable Bills! Yes, they’ve suffered some bad injuries to key defenders. Sure, they totaled 497 yards of offense to the Dolphins’ 212. Of course they should have won the game, but they blew it at the end.

Don’t let their offensive coordinator’s freak out distract you from the fact that the Miami Dolphins are the only undefeated team in the AFC through 3 weeks. Everybody thought it was finally Buffalo’s time, but instead it might just be Tua’clock.

3. The Vegas Raiders

There is exactly one single team in the NFL with an 0-3 record, and they play in Sin City. This makes sense, because I bet on them to win all 3 weeks, but it is baffling for other reasons. They made the playoffs last year amid a tumultuous set of circumstances…

…and then seemingly improved in the offseason. They replaced an inexperience interim coach with offensive guru* Josh McDaniels, and then signed perhaps the league’s best receiver in Davante Adams. Many predicted that Vegas would compete for the AFC West title, and they still might… but I wouldn’t bet on it.

*= or he was just lucky enough to coach Tom Brady

4. Dr. David S. Gazzaniga

The Chargers’ team doctor was back in the news this week for a couple different reasons that should absolutely NOT have been occurring simultaneously. First we learned that former Charger QB Tyrod Taylor filed a malpractice lawsuit against the doc and his orthopedic practice. Remember, that time when Taylor was supposed to receive a painkiller injection but instead got a punctured lung? Yeah, he wants $5 million from Gazzaniga, which frankly seems fair.

Later in the week we learned something even more shocking: Not only is he still the team doctor, he was scheduled to give Justin Herbert a similar injection!

That is the equivalent of asking Ime Udoka to be platonic friends with your wife.

5. The Patriots’ Dynasty, Season, Etc.

I don’t want to talk about it.

6. Dak Prescott

The Cowboys’ maybe former quarterback started the season 0-1 before getting injured, while his replacement is 2-0 in Dak’s absence. I’m not going to sit here and say that Prescott will become the Wally Pipp to Cooper Rush’s Lou Gehrig, but you know that part of him wants the ‘Boys to struggle a bit more than they have.

7. Ime Udoka

Quick detour to the hardwood, because nobody in sports had a worse week than the Celtics’ probably former coach. Help me get this straight though: Gilbert Arenas was suspended 50 games for bringing a loaded gun into his locker room, Latrell Sprewell served 65 for threatening to kill and then choking his coach, and Ron Artest got 73 games for charging into the stands in an attempt to beat the shit out of every Piston fan in Michigan…

…and Ime Udoka will be sitting out an entire 82-game season plus playoffs for a consensual affair with a staffer?

It feels like there might be a bit more to this story, and the moral of it is that Ime fucked up pretty good.

8. Everyone Who Picked The Chiefs In Their Survivor Pool

Welp, I hope you enjoyed the Survivor Pool Experience! Please exit to the left and leave your credentials in the bin.

9. Alvin Kamara Fantasy Owners

The good news for Kamara owners is that the stud running back has rushed for 100 yards. The bad news is that it took him three games to do so. The worse news is that he has more fumbles (1) than touchdowns (zero). Such a fun hobby.

10. Probably My Week 4 Picks

Thursday Teaser: Bengals +2, Under 53

Moneyline Parlay: Bills -175 @ Ravens, Chargers -230 @ Texans (+125)

Lock of the Week: Titans +3.5 @ Colts

Survivor Pool Pick (Used Ravens, Packers, Bengals): Chargers

Also Receiving Votes: The Bears’ Offense, The Lions’ Defense, Mitch Trubisky and The Butt Punt