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Dear Friend:
Greetings of the day and I want you to read my letter with one mind and help me. I am Miss Abigail Abscond, eldest daughter of late Mr. and Mrs. Abscond. Papa was a wealthy cocaine coffee dealer in Côte d’Ivoire. He was poisoned to death by business associates during a discussion of supply chains.
My mother died in my birth. Papa took me special because I am motherless. Before Papa’s death, he secretly called me bedside. He had a sum of $40,000,000 in a local bank suspense account. I am the next of kin in deposit of said fund.
He explained of trust to no one and I should seek partnership in a country where I will transfer this money for investment purpose. I am requiring of your trust in me. Trust me, and no other, requiring of your assistance thus: provide bank account number for fiscal transfer into; stipulate as fund guardian; sponsor my travel to your good land to further my education and secure a residential permit for me.
For you, most good of sir, I offer 40% of the coffee funds after transfer to your designated account.
Help me not for 40% coffee currency but as saving of my life. May I hear immediately and then more details for you to receipt money so that I may come to your country immediately?
Thank you and be blessed with sincerest regards,
Miss Abigail Abscond
***
Dear Miss Abscond,
I read your sad and heartfelt note. I am touched. What a difficult life you have had. I have much sympathy for your situation. Please confirm that, in addition to my bank account number, you will also require the bank’s routing number.
Sincerely,
William Gull
***
Dear Sir William Gull:
You are of most gracious countenance. Yes, to confirm, the fiscal transfer will require the financial institution’s routing number.
Of most thanks,
Miss Abigail
***
Dear Miss Abigail,
You flatter me but I have not been knighted by Her Majesty. We don’t do that sort of thing here in the U S of A. Just call me good ol’ Bill. I will work on the numbers that you need.
Sincerely,
Bill
***
Dear old Bill:
I am as grateful as Nature can allow.
Miss Abigail
***
Dear Abigail,
I spoke to my local bank branch manager about the numbers and to make arrangements. He is old, cantankerous, and disagreeable. He reminds me of Mr. Potter in It’s a Wonderful Life. Have you seen the film? Oh, it is such a wonderful commentary on life and I do hope that we can watch it again and again, not just at Christmas time.
Sincerely,
Bill
***
Dear Mr. Bill Potter:
I have not heard of this cinema and will be of devout attention in your teachings for me in the ways of life in the U of S A. Have you obtained the account and routing numbers?
Sincerely,
Miss Abigail
***
Dear Abby,
Oh, I cannot tell you how happy I am to hear that you have interest in movies. I have hundreds in my collection to share with you. We will have so much fun. Do you like popcorn? I really don’t like the microwave kind. I like to pop it myself in olive oil. Butter? Of course… and lots of it.
Bill
***
Dear Mr. Gull:
I do not know what popped corn is. Is this a manner of maize? Must the money be transferred by microwave? Will this be of greater speed? I still am requiring of account and routing numbers.
Anticipatorily,
Miss A.
***
Dear Abs,
Yes, yes, the numbers. I keep forgetting. Let me check with my uncle. He is an expert financial analyst and investment banker. His name is Sam. You’ll like him. With all that money left over after my 40% is paid, you’ll certainly need help with wise investing.
Giddily,
Bill
***
Dear Mr. Gull, Bill:
I had been of hope that our relationship would involve no others. Must we involve your Uncle Sam?
Questioningly,
Miss Abigail
***
Dear Abigail,
Gull, Bill seems a little formal. I really don’t think of myself that way. My uncle? He’s great. I’ve given him your e-mail address and he looks forward to meeting you. If you want to get a head start on some fruitful investment advice, you can e-mail him now: GoAhead@irs.gov.
Helpfully,
Bill
***
Dear Mr. Gull:
It is with of utmost sadness that I must ask you to delete records of our e-mail correspondence. I have been contacted by a Prince from Nigeria. As of remarkable coincidence, he is my long-lost cousin and is able to take me under his able wing.
Annoyed with regret and of permanent farewell, I am,
Miss Abscond
END
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