{Santa Fan Fic}: The Night Dark Laurie Met Santa

‘Twas the end of the year, the focus of this story,

We turn our attention to our hero, Dark Laurie.

She was sullen and sarcastic, and most often irrational,

And was the top Marketing Director for Greeting Cards, International.

Her colleagues, with great derision, gave her that moniker,

Thanks to her horrific attitude around Christmas and Hanukker.

“Oy, humbug,” she’d bark, while the world was quite merry,

As she focused on rivals she wanted to bury

Her numbers were up in the south and the north,

And she’d counter western regions, while the east would burst forth.

They’d let her be nasty, would grant her some latitude,

‘Cause everyone got a bonus, thanks to Dark Laurie’s shit attitude.

Christmas Eve came. It couldn’t have come faster,

As Dark Laurie stayed home, and drank herself plastered.

When across the rooftop tapped hooves of eight reindeer,

And Saint Nick arrived as she yelled, “Bring me more beer?”

“Sweet Laurie, let’s teach you about Christmas,” said Nick,

As she cracked open a cold one, and said “Shut it, you dick!”

But Santa insisted to teach the Christmas way,

So she chugged the last beer, and drunk-ly belched, “Okay!”

He amazed her with goodwill and warm, fuzzy feelings,

And when he was done, her emotions were reeling.

Her sobered-up heart made room for winter elation,

With a positive outlook, Laurie had new motivation.

She returned after New Year’s, with gratitude, not a frown,

And then something strange happened, all her sales fell down.

“Where is Dark Laurie? Where’s our mistress of the burn?

This happy chick sucks! Make the angry woman return!”

Bright Laurie was confused. Her emotions flabbergasted.

Her outlook had changed. T’was too good while it lasted.

Saw the error of her ways, said bye to the red-ink abyss.

She reattached her sneer, and then said “To hell with this!”

Good numbers returned, and so did the richness.

Goodbye to Ms. Nicey-Face, and hello to Her Bitchness.

The moral of the story, don’t confuse it, or up-mix it,

The famed rule still applies. “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!”

Nice try, Santa.