Local Man Caught Shazam-ing Jewel Song at CVS

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Local resident, Joshua Bard, was caught in the act, Shazaming Jewel’s “Foolish Games,” at the 17th Street CVS last Thursday. The 36 year-old man, standing by the meager grocery section, was seen holding his iPhone in the air, as close to the corner-mounted speaker as possible.

“I’m not sure what you mean,” Bard replied when asked by the store manager if he wanted to know what song was playing throughout the store. The bewitching tune, a central part of CVS’s “Peaceful, De-Escalating Vibes” corporate playlist, is actually intended to be featureless and ignored, according to an C-Suite CVS employee who asked not to be named for fear of retribution from their employer and Jewel fans everywhere.

A few witnesses on scene confirmed the awkward moment, saying they too noticed the tall man reaching his phone above the aisles, “reaching higher than even the stack of toilet paper mega-packs nearby.”

“There was a wild look in his eyes,” a passing shopper reported. Another witness said that Bard “looked like the kind of guy who would ask ‘Hey, what song is this?’ and then when someone told him it was Jewel, he would quickly add, ‘cuz it sucks.’”

According to multiple employees, Bard is a store regular, stopping by every few days, aligning with the bi-weekly release of 40 percent off coupons. Outside of the coupons, employees could not offer many other details about the man in question.

Reviewed security footage from the day of the incident, released to NextDoor, shows the audiophile walking a few aisles aimlessly, before standing in place, and then reaching for his phone. Bard’s basket contained few clues as to why he may have been compelled that day to identify Jewel’s third biggest hit off her debut album: a can of Amy’s Organic Low Fat Chunky Vegetable Soup, Neutrogena face wash, and a box of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Hearts, discounted heavily as the store makes room for the mid-February shipments of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Eggs.

Calls to the phone number listed on Bard’s ExtraCare account went unreturned. The store manager suggested coming back Thursday, the day after the next CVS coupon flyers are scheduled to arrive in mailboxes.