An Incomplete and Growing List of Things I’d Rather Do Than Help You on {Moving Day}

Perform a magic show for thousands of people expecting magic

Explain gender fluidity to Clint Eastwood

Befriend a serial killer

Eat slimy moldy hot dogs

Complete my taxes by hand

Actually read Infinite Jest and not tell anyone about it

Attempt to return a punt in a live NFL game

Start wearing cummerbunds

Sleep train your infant

Watch Andy Reid eat hamburgers

Shave my head

Hang a “Live, Laugh, Love” sign in my bedroom

Put bread and butter pickle chips in my sports bra, run 3 miles, and then eat them

Allow someone my age to call me “darlin'”

Listen to an entire Smash Mouth album

Go to bed with chapped lips

Swim with sharks

Serve on a jury in a very boring trial

Eat only Subway bread for a month

Dye my eyebrows a shade of flaming orange

Rush a fraternity at an SEC school

High five Ann Coulter