EVERYTHING you need to know ABOUT ME you can FIND on this T-SHIRT {miniprompt}

You’re cruising upward on an escalator (it’s not 2020), letting your eyes go slack and drifting into a daydream, when suddenly WORDS in AGGRESSIVE CAPITALIZATION jar you back into reality. What ANNOUNCEMENT is that PIECE OF CLOTH even making?

---

Zach Straus

I’m a FAILED CHILD voice ACTOR

Fueled by HOMEMADE tartar SAUCE

Who REFUSES to APOLOGIZE to

The people I LOVE

Or do LONG DIVISION in MY HEAD

My PRONOUNS are ME / MY / I

Because I AM very SELFISH

CUE MONTAGE of PROOF

And WHEN I DIE from HEART DISEASE

Please DELETE

My SEARCH HISTORY, Beth

 

Mikael Johnson

I’m a PARALEGAL but with my boss and clients, I’m a quiet maverick genius who dabbles in legal matters but told to “shut the hell up” because I’m terse and caustic even in small talk

My MOM is my BELOVED MAIN CRITIC  &

My WIFE is my LEGAL SPOUSE & MOTHER TO MY CHILD AND AN OUTSTANDING MOTHER & FRIEND

My DAD is my PERFECTLY IMPERFECT HERO &

I drink a F**K TON OF COFFEE

The only “MASK” I wear is my bondage leather hood reserved for Sundays (PHOTO ATTACHED)

“RIGHT, RIGHT” is the impression Prompt writers John Papageorgiou & Eva Krikscuin do of me

I’m REALLY MISSING BASEBALL ON IN THE BACKGROUND DURING SUMMER EVENINGS

I sleep LOUDLY, ALLEGEDLY

Jillian Conochan

I refuse to be PIGEONHOLED into ONE THING

So here’s an INCOMPLETE AND GROWING LIST about me:

I am a SALES AND MARKETING PROFESSIONAL

(Is that REDUNDANT?)

I am preferably the SHORTSTOP on my ARC PITCH SOFTBALL TEAM

I am MARRIED to my ROOMMATE and we HAVE A CAT

I am NOT a CAT LADY though so don’t send me any TCHOTCHKES

I am the ANTISOCIAL SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER for this here PUBLICATION

Follow us on TWITTER and INSTAGRAM

I am a SKINCARE JUNKIE, which I realize is a term that will soon be CANCELED

 

Incidentally, are ANY of these PLACES

HIRING?

 

Erin Vail

I’m a PODCAST PRODUCER

GEMINI

OLDEST SIBLING

I assume EVERYONE is MAD AT ME, ALWAYS

I love SPORTS and STAR WARS

I won’t shut up about MEMES and MY FAMILY

I’d rather be EATING PIZZA AND WINGS

I’m the MOM friend and will ALWAYS take care of you

But if you CROSS me, I’ll talk about you BEHIND YOUR BACK and NEVER CONFRONT YOU

Scott Snowman

I am A CONFLUENCE OF ATOMS that got consciousness SOMEHOW

If you cross me, SHAME on me for LETTING you get close enough that I EVEN CARE

If you don’t WATCH YOURSELF I will probably SPEAK ILL OF YOU using VOCABULARY you probably WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND

When I BURP it tastes like CYNICISM and SODA

I’ve BEEN TOLD that I’m a SURPRISE PERSON but also separately that MY VOICE is LIKE A KNIFE

SOMEONE made fun of me for SINGING and DANCING so now I DON’T DO those things

I’m GOOD WITH COMPUTERS and sometimes wish I WAS ONE

I’ll NEVER let AMERICA get SOLD without a FULLY ITEMIZED bill of sale because I’m LAWFUL AS F*CK

Want to GET TO KNOW ME BETTER? Good luck I HAVE NO IDEA who I AM

 

Michael Maiello

Your CAPTAIN is probably KIRK or PICARD

But my CAPTAIN is LOU ALBANO! Or… PICARD!

I MAKE GRAVY out of MUSHROOMS AND MEAT BITS

and if you HAND ME YOUR STASH you won’t get ALL OF IT BACK.

If you DATE MY DAUGHTER I will ask WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT

because I HAVE A SON AND NO OTHER CHILDREN, RIGHT?

This T-SHIRT is ABSURDLY LARGE

and is an UNCOMFORTABLE WAY FOR ME TO LEARN I HAVE A DAUGHTER

Seriously? ALL THIS TIME?

I REALIZE YOU’RE IN YOUR LATE 20s, BUT WE SHOULD HAVE A RLTIONSHP

THE VOWELS WON’T FIT

Maybe I should just GIVE YOU ONE OF THESE SHIRTS

I AM SO SORRY

It’s just WHO I AM!

 

Kelaine Conochan

I’m a former CLASS PRESIDENT and currently NOT FULLY EMPLOYED

I think ATHLEISURE is SUITABLE for EVERY OCCASION

My DAD practices DUOLINGO daily

My mom DIED – there, are you HAPPY?

You’ll WONDER OUT LOUD whether I’M A LESBIAN or VEGETARIAN

Because I AM OPINIONATED and ATHLETIC

I correct people when they use the WRONG GRAMMAR or LYRICS

I am the EDITOR of THE PROMPT

So please SEND your COMPLAINTS to MY TRASH CAN

 

Ariel Cross

I am a WRITER and EMOTIONAL WRECK

I love CARBS and MEAD

My SPOUSE and I go LARPING

When there isn’t a PANDEMIC

SOMETIMES I just SCREAM into the VOID

 

(These shirts are so weird)

 

Josh Bard

I am too SEXY for my SHIRT

Too SEXY for my SHIRT

So SEXY it HURTS

I need to get the SEXY looked at, honestly

Do you know of a DOCTOR

Who works with UNINSURED patients?

Cause I’m a MODEL, you know what I mean

And I do my little TURN on the CATWALK

Yeah, on the CATWALK

But I do it CAREFULLY

Because HEALTH INSURANCE expired months ago

And MODELS don’t UNIONIZE WELL

Seriously… please… MEDIC!!!

 

Stephanie Tate

I am a MIDDLE CHILD who always gets ignored,

A NURSE,

An obvious LEO who talks at HIGH SPEED

PETS outnumber humans in my household

I’m not unlike a TODDLER, exerting all of my energy into my chosen task and passing out soon after

I’m not sure I’m DOING THIS RIGHT

I love LIVE MUSIC, PARKS, and BEER

I really just want the chance to HUG ALL MY FRIENDS AGAIN

 

Ángel Bolivar Torres

I bleed

RED, WHITE & BLUE

No, SERIOUSLY

DOCTORS say I have a PROBLEM

But I’m a PROUD

**PUERTO RICAN & TEXAN**

And these colors DON’T RUN

They TREAD LIGHTLY

~Because I’m~

The BEST of BOTH WORLDS

The GREATEST of ALL GALAXIES

The UNDISPUTED and STILL

Heavyweight Champion

Of The UNIVERSE

Sorry NOT SORRY

MY MAMA

Made me THIS WAY

 

Thomas Viehe

I am the PROBLEM for which there is NO SOLUTION

The taxi man that drives you SICK

With sudden STOPS and the STENCH of socks (or was it SPOILED salad dressing?)

My mother is CHAOS, my father A JOKE

NIGHTMARES sound like fun, like fucking a faceless man in a DIM-LIT ROOM or on a wrought-iron bench on the Mall while a crowd of TOURISTS ask you how to get to Arlington Cemetery and one of them decides to take your PICTURE without asking

CONSPIRACIES I share because I care

(and you need a GUARDIAN ANGEL, what’s your number?), did you hear the government’s new form of SOCIAL CONTROL, a masked man who sucks dry your soul and your dick and even your bank account?

Are you okay you look white like DEATH. Drink lots of water and keep your FACE clear, it’s all we can do these days, but maybe they’ll take that away too.

What’s that? Is this your DESTINATION? Hold on, I’ll do a U-turn, six lanes of TRAFFIC don’t SCARE me.

 

David Leipziger

Yes, I’m ETHNICALLY AMBIGUOUS

But CHECK my privilege

cuz I’m really JUST WHITE

My parents BOTH hold PHDs in ECONOMICS

Which makes me A FAILURE

As a kid I NEVER played with dolls

BUT I WISH I HAD

Woulda given them FANTASTIC NAMES

like VANKLEEF, CLOTILE, & HARMONICA

Do I look DRUNK to you?

Well I have a PROBLEM

No, not ALCOHOLISM

I JUST FIND YOU BORING

Jeffrey Estrella

I am a MISFIT,

An AMALGAMATION of everything I cannot be, at least according to some of those around me.

I am an OVERTHINKER, and a COFFEE DRINKER.

I am an AVID READER, a WRITER, a SPORTS FAN, and a THEATER KID.

I am an OPTIMIST, and an INTROVERT who is clinging onto HOPE in a year that’s been A LOT.

 

Dennis William, writing as Zach (and failing):

Sorry, I cannot SPOT you, bro

Even though

I am an ATHLEISURE innovator.

I was born in a ROMANIAN BLACKSMITH

and experience AGE REGRESSION when I hear

metal pinging sounds.

Yes, those are my PHEROMONES you smell

My UMBRO SHORTS have been around the block.

Please, do not take my FIXIE BIKE

sculpted thighs FOR GRANITE.

I belong to the universe.

WHERE IS the nearest buffet,

because I am here to SAMPLE all life has to offer.

How DO YOU wanna split this check?

 

Eva Kriksciun

I am a MONUMENT, in that I am DUSTY and of another era, and people are tearing ME DOWN. My PARENTS never told me I was bad at ANYTHING so my confidence remains unchecked.

I smell of MEAT and OLIVE OIL.

I’ve never done a PULL UP in my life, so my arms are noodles.

When I DO get JEOPARDY correct, the category is usually MUSICAL THEATRE.

But I like other stuff too.

 

Tom O’Gara

I grew up in BOSTON but

I don’t have that ACCENT anymore.

My WIFE is cool and

FUNNIER THAN I AM.

She says she LOVES me but

I think she wishes I was CHRIS EVANS.

Our FLAMINGOS are plastic

and the focal point of our home.

I’m HUNGRY and would like a

QUARTER POUNDER w/CHEESE meal.