Dear Pythia: I’m Hamstrung by My Girlfriend’s Hamster

Pythia Defool’s advice column, “Ask Roger,” was a mainstay in the Chattanooga Tribune from 1976-1983. It was later renamed “Ask Pythia” following the landmark Supreme Court Case, Lady v. Florida, which granted women the right to have their names appear in print. Dear Pythia is a revival of her classic advice column and is composed in beautiful downtown Tampa Bay. For advice, email DearPythia@Gmail.com

Dear Pythia:

My girlfriend recently purchased a hamster. She wants me to greet the hamster by name (Professor Ducksauce). Professor Ducksauce eats at the kitchen table, bathes in the bathroom sink, and sleeps in our bed. I love my girlfriend, but I am growing increasingly uncomfortable with the Professor. How do I share my discomfort?

Third Hamster Wheeling

Dear Wheeling,

There are dog people, cat people, and hamster people. Dog people love their animals more than their humans. Cat people love their animals and humans equally. Hamster people are godless miscreants who are incapable of love.

In 1967, I lived in El Segundo and shared a duplex with Dolly Lintrappe. Dolly was an unsuccessful pinup girl-turned country singer who briefly dated William Shatner. It was her hamster, also named Dolly, that inspired the Star Trek episode, “The Trouble With Tribbles.” (In short, the USS Enterprise is overrun with hamsters who copulate wildly and eat the ship’s grain supplies. As a form of pest control, Scottie beams the space hamsters onto a nearby Klingon vessel where they presumably make a blood feast before turning on each other.)

Your girlfriend’s behavior may seem innocuous to some, but it’s clear that Professor Ducksauce did not earn his title nor his privilege in the household. Strong relationships are built on trust and communication (and sometimes pool boys). I recommend you approach your girlfriend with candid feedback about how uncomfortable you are throupling with the Professor.

Should she receive your feedback with compassion, then meet her halfway and embrace Professor Ducksauce as you would any domesticated rodent.

If she is not receptive to your feedback (and you remain committed to the relationship), buy a cat.