{My Neighbor Bought a Peloton}: The Lurker Letters

January 6, 2020

My neighbor bought a Peloton, one of those fancy video stationary bikes. Why do you need a video of other people doing the same exercise? It’s just a stationary bike, why would you even need a coach? You just pedal. Obviously, it’s some New Year’s resolution thing. It’ll never last. People who get duped into buying these fad exercise equipment never have the drive to actually stick to a routine. Mark my words, this will be a waste of money that he’ll regret. I mean, if he had any self control he wouldn’t be so fat and out of shape to begin with. I give it a month before that thing is draped in air-drying clothes.

Christmas was nice. Dad and Shannon got me a new Keurig.

January 22, 2020

He’s still at it. Obviously, I don’t care and it’s none of my business, but he set it up in his living room right next to the windows that face my kitchen. It’s kind of hard for me not to see it. Honestly, I don’t blame him for not buying a real bike and wanting to ride it around outside. He’d look kind of silly, he’s so big. Imagine if he wore bike shorts and a cycling jersey. No one wants to see that. Can you even lose that much weight just on a bicycle? You need to do weight training, too.

I’m pumped for the Super Bowl. I put $200 on the Niners. I’ve been killing it on FanDuel. Gotta keep the hot streak going

February 14, 2020

Wow. My neighbor has spent all night on that Peloton. It’s, like, dude, it’s Valentine’s. Shouldn’t you be out? You couldn’t get a date? I thought big dudes were supposed to be charming and have good personalities. He must not have that. I can’t imagine why else he would feel the need to be exercising on Valentine’s Day. I don’t know how long those video classes are, but he was on the bike the entire time I was watching Thor: Ragnarok.

Thor: Ragnarok is so sick.

March 9, 2020

I hadn’t seen my neighbor on his “bike” in a while. I was pretty sure he had given it up, like I knew he would. Nope. Turns out he just changed his workout routine. I finally had to wake up early to catch him. Why even have an exercise bike if you have to wake up that early to use it? The whole point is you can ride it whenever. What a weirdo.

And what the heck is coronavirus? Apparently there’s some new flu from China coming here.

May 27th, 2020

He’s still at it. Still waking up way too early. Everyday, too. It’s like, I get it, you work out. People who get hung up about exercising constantly and “no days off” are so annoying. No one is impressed, first of all. And second, your body needs rest days. You have to give it time to recover. I get that we’ve been stuck inside, and you need something to do, but overdoing it isn’t a good idea. You need to pace yourself. Especially if you’re new to working out. He’s probably doing more harm than good.

I heard Lake of the Ozarks is open. I’ll bet I can score some cheap flights. At least then I wouldn’t have to stare at my lardo neighbor for a few days.

July 8, 2020

My neighbor has no sense of style. His clothes are so baggy. He looks like a slob. How do you buy clothes that are, like, two sizes too big? Who taught him to dress? His shirts look like he’s wearing curtains. Speaking of which, maybe if he would close his curtains, I wouldn’t have to look at his late 90s throwback style. I didn’t realize that they still make JNCOs.

Pretty crazy how the protestors used pickaxes and jackhammers and stuff to tear up Jefferson Davis Memorial Highway near D.C. I would think that taking the signs down would be easier, but I guess righteous anger gives you a lot of energy.

August 17, 2020

My neighbor is still being a fanatic about that stationary bike. He’s ridden for 10 consecutive days. Don’t ask me how I know that he didn’t use it 11 days ago, but he didn’t. People who brag about their workout regimen and shove it in your face are so weird. Cool, bro, you have a hobby. You’re not better than me. You don’t see me dedicating my instagram to what I do in my freetime, do you? No, because that’s annoying. Why can’t people just do what they want and not go bragging about it constantly? Just do it for the personal enjoyment. I’m sure that’s why people get Pelotons instead of a less flashy exercise bike. So everyone on the video can see them working out.

Anyway. Oregon and Washington ceded to Canada. Good riddance I say.

September 15, 2020

My neighbor rode his Peloton shirtless today. Why do that unless you’re trying to show off your body? So weird. You’re right by a window across from a huge apartment building, everyone knows you want us to look. So conceited.

I read that scientists found that a few prehistoric mosquitoes have been reproducing after the glacier they were frozen alive in melted. Nuts.

October 30, 2020

I was watching my neighbor do his regular Friday afternoon ride, which he did at 6:10 P.M. instead of 5:45 P.M., like he usually does. It’s unclear what the delay was for, but that’s not the most notable change in routine: I swear he had a headset on with a camera set up in front of him. I’m pretty sure he’s leading those dumb spin classes, like, he got a job as an instructor. Who would want to take a Peloton class with him? He used to be fat. I want my trainers to be people who know how to take care of their bodies, not some slob who had to spend a million hours on a bicycle to nowhere just to be able to squeeze into the Fabletics men’s line.

I just read on Ain’t It Cool that Zack Snyder is directing a Driving Miss Daisy reboot starring Dennis Haysbert and Jennifer Lawrence. It’s gonna be sick.

December 10, 2020

So, now, my neighbor bought some flashy new road bike. I’ve seen him messing with it in the living room, trying to tune it up and stuff. First of all, I’m not even sure he can ride a bike. I mean, wouldn’t he have gotten that instead of a Peloton to begin with if he knew how? Second, it’s way too cold for bike riding now. It’s December, my dude. Why get a bike now? I’m sure it’s just feeding his need to flaunt how much he exercises. He’s gotten tired of showing off to all of his neighbors across the way (he knows we’re watching) and now he needs people on other streets to look at him. What a narcissist. It’s also pretty wasteful. Why are you blowing money on an expensive Peloton and road bike?

So, it turns out those unfrozen mosquitoes, in addition to not minding the cold, also were carrying some kind of prehistoric gonorrhea, and I got bit. My doctor thinks she can get me into some kind of clinical trial.