Incomplete and Growing List of the Most Self-Absorbed Complaints I’ve Heard During the COVID-19 Quarantine

I mean, sitting on balcony is cool but like come 11 A.M., there is NO sun. It moves.
Ugh I wish we can just sit outside—it’s so frustrating, to be honest

Ew, my roots are growing back in

It’s like, I can’t even book an Instacart for TWO WEEKS?

I’m sitting on like 15 ClassPass credits, and I can’t even use them. I was JUST getting into bikini shape.

First a quarantine and now they’re closing Shaw Dog Park!?

Can you believe people are out here telling us not to grocery shop on the 1st AND 2nd of the month? Sorry you’re on food stamps, but you don’t get TWO ENTIRE DAYS to yourselves.

My lungs hurt.

The produce selection at Giant is really bad… like even worse than usual.

All I have is time. Unfortunately, I’ve been sleeping till at least noon for the past two weeks. I would try to wake up earlier, and it would just result in a nap because I literally could not function.

I wish I invested in cool new sweats before lockdown.

I feel ratchet and gross at all times lately.

I have zero arts and crafts.
Living in a small-ish apartment there is NO extra room for things like that.

I kinda hate these video calls.

I cannot believe 30 more days. This is going to be rough.

There is nothing to do.

I have nowhere to do cardio.

Like, I’m not going to get divorced, but there were a few times I considered putting a chair under the handle of the bathroom door when he was in there.

So we only get 40 minutes of meeting on Zoom and then you have to pay? So it’s all a pyramid scheme?

What the hell are we supposed to do with our Italy vacation in June?

Hey Instacart! I don’t need lectures on how much to tip, thanks.

My neighbors’ coughs are so loud!

How do I kill my neighbors to make it look like a murder-suicide?

I actively bought flour before all you fucks started buying flour.

Every video call makes me look like a manatee in a KC Royals hat.

There isn’t enough room in our refrigerator for wine and beer, and he doesn’t drink beer, so I don’t get beer.

HAHAHAHA FUCK MODERN ONE-DIMENSIONAL COP HERO WORSHIP SO HAPPY THIS CANCELLED POLICE WEEK

I miss turning down invitations to things.

Nothing matters anymore, why am I still recycling?

As far as I can tell, only thing COVID-19 seems to be killing is my phone battery.

Exclusively cooking at home is making me lose weight, but somehow look fatter at the same time.

I know the deck chairs aren’t mine, Carol, but you aren’t out here all the time.

WHY did we have to live on a street with prostitutes?

Is it cheating to masturbate when he goes to the grocery store? It feels like cheating.