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Winner: Pretty Much Nobody
Let me start by saying that pandemics are seismic tragedies with far-reaching and often unfathomable consequences. World and local leaders, health officials, and everybody else in society should take them incredibly seriously. That said, if the internet is still working, I’m going to make jokes on it.
Loser: Donald Trump
I don’t get political on the online so lets just stick to facts: This whole thing has been a monumentally bad look for the president. Talk about tweets not aging well. Crazy that the “liberal media Democrat hoax” turned out to be a very real thing that collapsed our economy and basically shut down the country. He just didn’t see it coming. Trump was a shell of himself during Wednesday night’s address from the Oval Office. I have seen more charisma from ISIS hostages reading ransom letters.
Winner: Cancel Culture
Thanks to various social movements and super progressive Twitter heroes, we, as a society, have gotten quite proficient at “cancelling.” We cancel opinions, we cancel art, and we cancel people. You made a bad joke online 10 years ago? Cancelled. Insensitive Halloween costume from the early ’90s? Cancelled! Disagree with anybody you’re supposed to agree with??? OH, YOU’RE FUCKING CANCELLED BUDDY. I’ll probably be cancelled for writing this. The point is, America has been practicing this mass-cancelling for years. We’re ready. If we could cancel Stuart Smalley, we cancel school, work, and every event until 2021.
Loser: COVID-18
Winner: The 2019 Golden State Warriors
After five straight trips to the NBA finals the Warriors needed a break. Klay Thompson tore his ACL, Steph Curry broke his hand, and Kevin Durant decided to go to Brooklyn to recover from his ruptured Achilles tendon. It was going to be a lost season for this group anyway, now its a (potentially) lost season for everybody.
Loser: The Class of 2020
When the NCAA pulled the plug on this year’s Men’s & Women’s March Madness basketball tournaments, they immediately ended the collegiate career of every senior student-athlete (student comes first, don’t forget that, most of them will go pro in something OTHER than basketball). The opening weekend of the NCAA tournament is the best four days of the year for basketball fans, so it sucks for us, but it really sucks for the kids who don’t get to live out their dream of making their universities and CBS a fuck ton of money.
Winner: My Bank Account
I was about to lose the GDP of Tuvalu betting on March Madness games, and now I get to keep that money. In a way, this is the most profitable tournament season I have ever had.
Losers: The Elderly
Winner: The Irishman
If you have been asking yourself “When will I ever have four hours to sit down and watch this movie?” the answer is now. You now have the time. Enjoy.
Losers: Those With Pre-Existing Respiratory Conditions
Winner: Tommy Fleetwood
The English golfer was one of the favorites going into this weekend’s Player’s Championship at TPC Sawgrass. Then he shot an opening round 78, 6 strokes over par and 15 shots behind the leader. But THEN the entire event was cancelled and you can’t even find the leader board online. Like every single one of my golf rounds, it’s like it never happened.
Loser: Hideki Matsuyama
Conversely, Japan’s best golfer had the round of his life on Thursday, posting a 9-under 63. Matsuyama would have been in the driver’s seat for the rest of the tournament, but then sports stopped.
Winner: Dr. Anthony Fauci
This guy has been one of the most important doctors and global health leaders since the late 1960s, but most Americans didn’t know who he was until last week. Now he could be the Democratic presidential nominee tomorrow if he wanted to be.
Loser: Rita Wilson
Talk about being the Fitch to your husband’s Abercrombie. Rita is the Art Garfunkel of celebrity COVID-19 patients. This lady can’t catch a break, besides that time she married National Treasure, Tom Hanks.
Winners: Houston Astros
Major League Baseball has delayed the start of the 2020 season, thus granting a stay of execution to the biggest cheaters in the history of the game. The Astros were about to be hit with an unprecedented onslaught of boos and bean balls. Now they get to quarantine themselves and hope that this virus lasts long enough for everyone to forget their transgressions.
More Winners:
Kids who don’t have to go to school, podcasters, Pornhub, Door Dash, Disney+, and Warner Bros. Studios—who brought you BOTH Outbreak and Contagion!
More Losers:
Parents whose kids are home from school, Corona (beer), firm handshakes, strip clubs, any clubs, airlines, the entire hospitality industry, just about every other industry, and the economy in general. Oh, and poor people. Poor people, as per usual, are absolutely fucked.
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