Will You Survive Wronging John Papageorgiou? With Your {Host}, John Papageorgiou!

I believe in punishment where it is due. Yes, Sir Francis Bacon said, “It is a prince’s part to pardon,” but Ol’ Dirty Bastard declared that he “dead n*ggas like a dog buries a bone.” And, once you make peace with the fact that you can quote more ODB than SFB, I think you know which side of this debate you (or, at least I) land upon.

That brings us to the pilot episode of a gameshow I self-funded and filmed in 2005 by the name of Will You Survive Wronging John Papageorgiou?

I had just come upon a financial windfall, the result of a lawsuit against Home Depot for allowing me to slip and fall off an employees-only ladder (which I had climbed in order to better stare down a woman’s shirt), and thought I could capitalize of the massive success of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? The idea was to collect people who had done me ill at some point in my life, lure them in under the pretense of competing on a fictitious gameshow by another name, and then, when they were firmly secured by shackles, torment them for their trespasses against me.

Tragically, every video copy I have of this pilot has been lost, and for years I feared the show would only live on in the memories of those involved. But luck struck a second time in my life, and last week, I found a digital audio tape containing some snippets of sound from the show in the cushions of my Ford Fiesta while attempting to dig out an errant french fry. Below, I have transcribed all that remains of Will You Survive Wronging John Papageorgiou? I hope you enjoy.

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*Sounds of the show’s theme song, a cover of “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” performed by System of a Down*

ANNOUNCER:

Welcome, everyone to the very first episode of Bet Ya Can’t Hold It In!, the game show where contestants are shown all sorts of hilarity and paid for every moment they’re able to hold their laughter. I’m Keith David, and here’s your host, John Papageorgiou!

(audience applauds)

JOHN:

Hello, everyone! And hello, Keith! I’m a huge fan of yours, man!

 

KEITH:

(laughing)

 

JOHN:

Before we start the show, can you say a line from one of your movies for us?

(audience cheers)

 

KEITH:

(chuckling)

Well, what would you like me to say?

 

JOHN:

“How did you get the beans above the frank?” I just adored you in There’s Something About Mary.

 

KEITH:

(more chuckling)

“How did you get the beans above the frank?”

(audience cheers)

 

JOHN:

Okay, everybody, are you ready to laugh? Because I’m ready to laugh!

 

*gap in audio*

 

JOHN:

Yes, contestant number one is just as lovely as I remember her being before she left me to go back to her ex, whom she said things were definitely over with. So strange that our paths should cross again!

 

ELIZABETH:

Can we talk about this later? After the show?

 

JOHN:

Water under the bridge, Elizabeth! Now please, sit down in the Throne of Mirth and let my lovely assistants secure the straps around your wrists so you can’t stifle your laughs once the comedy ensues!

 

*gap in audio*

(guttural retching sounds)

(audience gasping)

 

JOHN:

She’ll be fine. She’ll be fine.

 

KEITH:

What the hell was that? What did they make her drink? She just threw up everywhere!

 

JOHN:

It was just a vodka tonic to loosen her up. Maybe she’s allergic?

 

*gap in audio*

 

KEITH:

I am not bringing on the next contestant. They have to clean off the Throne of Mirth. It’s covered in sick.

 

JOHN:

Relax, most of it landed on her. The assistants are wiping down the stage. Say, Keith?

 

KEITH:

(audibly angry)

What?

 

JOHN:

How about another line from one of your movies? That would cheer us all up, right audience?

(audience murmuring)

 

JOHN:

You were a treasure in They Live. Care to say, “I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass… and I’m all out of bubble gum”?

 

KEITH:

That was Roddy Piper’s line.

 

*gap in audio*

 

JOHN:

Well, this is just an incredible coincidence! You see, everyone, I used to work for Chad. And boy, you took every chance you could to make my life a living hell, didn’t you?

 

CHAD:

Sorry, Papa. Nothing personal, okay?

 

JOHN:

Just hop on the Throne.

*gap in audio*

(loud, excretory sounds, punctuated by Chad’s moans)

(audience screaming)

 

JOHN:

(laughing manically)

Yeah, bet ya can’t hold that in, motherfucker!

 

KEITH:

He’s shitting himself! That wasn’t any goddamn vodka tonic!

 

JOHN:

No it wasn’t, Keith. I’ll level with you: Our contestants have been drinking a mix of ipecac and those super-laxatives they give you before a colonoscopy.

 

KEITH:

And what in the name of God is playing on the screen? That ain’t a comedy! That’s a man with a horse inside him!

 

JOHN:

That’s Mr. Hands. A friend of mine just IMed it to me, I’ve been watching it non-stop.

 

*gap in audio*

 

JOHN:

Keep walking! You don’t tell me how to run my show! I want to hear “ass to ass,” so you say “ass to ass!” I don’t give a goddamn if it was your line or not!

 

*gap in audio*

 

JOHN:

I have the auditorium for another two hours. Anyone want to do some karaoke?

*gap in audio*

(sounds of John performing the intro of “We Will Rock You” with mimicked flatulence replacing the “clap” of the “stomp-stomp-clap” opening refrain)