{Dear Lover}: Intimacy, Ecstasy, and Us

Dear Lover,

I miss your eyes.

Last night, as you tucked your head under my arm and on to my shoulder and asked, So what turns you on the most?

I was too shy.

Or it was too new.

So I didn’t say anything.

But I wanted so badly to say, eye contact.

Eye contact has always been my number one turn on. Last night, the connection between our eyes, our lives, our galaxies, was nothing short of enchanting. It felt unreal. Dazzling and mysterious in ways I didn’t know existed. There are no words to describe how special it felt, falling into that moment with you. That moment, which seemed to last forever and also a fraction of a second, all at once. Our eyes seemed to dive into one another and caress parts of our souls that have since been unreachable, or better even, unknown.

You said, “It feels more intimate with you.”

And since we’ve parted, I’ve been thinking about it nonstop.

I’ve met a lot of people in my life, as far as relationships go. And, of course, there is always some sort of attraction and connection.

As time passes, logistically I start looking for key elements that will sustain a healthy relationship. Until now, everyone has missed a key thing that I am looking for. Things end up not working out.

So far I haven’t quite put my finger on what that essential thing is.

Having been with you, I’ve realized that the most important thing to me is a certain “capacity for love.” As in, one of the things about me that I am most proud of is my ability to love someone (though, obviously there are many definitions of the word love) in the way they want to be loved. I make sure the people I love know how much I love them, that they know I’ll always be there for them, and do my best to bring joy into their lives

Consequently, it seems that after I sift through other attributes and check other mundane boxes and swipe through insanely boring apps, when I feel like my partner lacks this illustrious “capacity for love” dimension, it’s a hard end to the relationship. There’s no way around it, and nothing can make up for it.

So, Lover, you are the first person I have ever met who seems to match, challenge, and offer this amazing capacity for love for me. It makes my heart dance with pure elation. It makes me feel so understood and special in ways that I didn’t know were available to the world, let alone to me.

The feeling is raw ecstasy, a word I love. A word that fits. A word that often gets mixed up with drugs in today’s world but to Ancient Greeks, originally meant ‘outside itself’ or ‘to stand outside outside itself.’

You make me feel like my heart is dancing outside of my body.

Therapists call it “emotional expressiveness,” but I liked it when you said, “I think it’s deeper than that.”

It does feel more intimate with you, somehow.

It’s galaxy-shaking.

And now, having left, I am going through a withdrawal of equal and opposite magnitude. Not knowing when I will see your gorgeous eyes again.

But,

I am happy about you.

Happy to know you.

To know you even exist.