The Prompt NFL Powerless Rankings Trilogy – Week 13: Ranking with a Vengeance

Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Powerless Rankings, where we rank all of the things that don’t matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.

Editor’s Note: Well that certainly didn’t take long. After only one week of “power” rankings Mike is back to ranking the worst that the NFL had to offer.

1. Philadelphia Eagles

Going into Sunday, the Eagles were considered a playoff contender. A win in Miami would get them back to .500 for their final 4 games, all within their pathetic division. All they had to do was beat the 2-9 Dolphins, a team that we all thought was trying to lose on purpose, as recently as early November.

So what did Philly do? They sucked. Their defense allowed 37 points and their offense couldn’t score when it mattered. They brought shame to themselves, their families, and the entire city of Philadelphia.

Luckily for the Eagles they get to host the Giants on Monday and face struggling rookie Daniel Jo— OH NO! BAH GAWWD THAT’S ELI MANNING’S MUSIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. Carolina Panthers

The second most embarrassing loss this week cost Riverboat Ron Rivera his job. It also cost a lot of people money. The Panthers hosted the lowly Redskins and were favored by 9 points. People put them in teasers, moneyline parlays, and—if you were lucky enough to be alive in your survivor pool—you probably picked them there.

Carolina went up 14-0 early and then proceeded to allow 29 unanswered points. The ‘Skins rushed for 248 yards on the day, the most since that time they rushed for more. As you can see I still don’t have a stat guy.

3. Jerry Jones’ Thanksgiving

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that losing at home to the Bills probably ruined ‘ol Jerry’s turkey day. His Cowboys are now 0-5 against teams with a winning record, and he still hasn’t gotten around to firing his inept coach.

On the bright side, Dallas is still somehow in first place. That is how bad the NFC Least is. If the Cowboys beat the Eagles on Christmas Eve Eve Eve, they will almost definitely win the division and host a playoff game.

4. Cleveland Browns

What else can we say about the dumpster fire that is the 2019 Cleveland Browns? They talked the talk and bathed in all the preseason hype but have been one of the most disappointing teams in recent memory.

The chatter going into Sunday was that the 5-7 Browns—fresh off a 3-game winning streak—still had a shot at the playoffs. And then they lost to Pittsburgh’s 13th string quarterback.

At this point the question isn’t whether or not Freddie Kitchens will be fired, but if he will be fired before or after I’m able to finish watching The Irishman.

5. Nick Foles

The Cinderella story of Nick Foles might finally be coming to an end. The former Super Bowl MVP…

…is certainly not living up to his $88M contract. After turning the ball over three times to the Bucs, he was benched in favor of Minshew Mania, perhaps permanently. It’s crazy that the Jaguars were winning the AFC Championship game in Foxboro just 22 months ago. Fall from grace indeed.

6. Mason Rudolph

When Mike Tomlin was asked why he was starting Devlin Hodges against the Browns the answer was “he has not killed us.” That is how bad Mason Rudolph has been this season, he has been benched for a guy whose key attribute is that he doesn’t murder the Steelers’ chances of winning with his horrible play. Not a good look for Rudolph.

For the record, I don’t know for a fact that this dude is a racist. All his black teammates are saying that he is definitely not a racist. I am not a racist, but this is what I do know for a fact: If I were a racist, do you know who I wouldn’t let find out about it? My gigantic black teammates.

7. Winning Fantasy Football

I hate fantasy football for many reasons. It is an arbitrary hobby that people care way too much about. I hate myself for participating, and I really hate losing.

But you know what I hate the most? How little I care about winning.

It’s like when you’re on an airplane, and you recline your seat. The seat goes back like half an inch. It’s nothing. You can barely feel the recline. Nothing changes in your life. That is the feeling when you win a fantasy football matchup.

However, when the person in front of you reclines their seat it means that you can no longer open your laptop past 55 degrees and you’re ducking down to see the screen like a fucking gynecologist. It doesn’t matter though, because when they jerked their seat back your drink spilled all over the keyboard so it doesn’t work anymore anyway. That is what it feels like to lose.

8. Tom Brady’s Receivers

Remember when we had Antonio Brown AND Josh Gordon?

9. NFL Scheduling Department

Quick question for the morons who manage the NFL schedule: Does 49ers @ Ravens sound like an interesting game that most people would probably want to see? It does, right? Another question, are you able to flex the schedule to move better matchups to favorable time slots? Yeah? Cool.

So why is it that this potential Super Bowl preview was buried at 1:00 P.M. on Sunday, at the same time as 85 other games? Why did the late window consist only of the Chiefs blowing out the Raiders, Rams blowing out the Cardinals, and the Chargers and Broncos trying to out-suck each other? I will never understand why they can’t spread the games out more. By 5:00 P.M. EST the RedZone is mostly just 3-and-outs and frantic commercial cutaways.

Be better.

10. Winter

It is only the first week of December, and I am already done with this shit.

Also Receiving Votes: Broadway Sam Darnold, Oakland’s Defense, Indy’s Medical Staff, Antonio Brown’s Apology Attempts and the Pope.