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Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Powerless Rankings, where we rank all of the things that don’t matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.
Editor’s Note: Mike couldn’t find 10 positive things to say about the NFL this week so instead he ranked the 10 worst…
1. Miami Dolphins
They’re doing it folks. They’re really doing it! Sunday featured a game between the two worst teams in the league, with the Redskins visiting Miami. A home game against the only squad remotely as awful as the Dolphins was probably their only chance at a victory this year, AND THEY HAD A CHANCE!
After falling behind early the ‘Phins inserted their backup quarterback hoping for a little Fitzmagic. He delivered with a pair of fourth quarter touchdowns to make the score 17-16 as coach Brian Flores faced a decision: Kick the extra point and subject America to more of this game, or go for 2 and try to win it? Of course he went for 2, and OF COURSE they called what has to be the worst call in their playbook: a swing pass to a shitty running back with no blocking:
Operation #1 Pick is still a go!
2. NFC East
It was a really tough week for the worst division in football as they went 1-3 collectively and are now the only group without a team over .500. The ‘Skins were the only team that won, and as I’ve just explained it was nothing to be proud of. The Giants ended up getting smoked in New England after Danny Dimebag threw 3 interceptions. The Eagles gave up 38 points to the Vikings and in the process made Kirk Cousins look like a good QB. The most embarrassing loss was suffered by the Cowboys at the hands of the Jets and the Kissing Bandit Sam Darnold.
The Eagles go to Dallas this Sunday Night in a game that will be crucial in deciding the NFC Least.
3. Monday Night Football Booth
I am not one of those guys that complains about sports announcers. I generally think that even that bad ones are “fine,” and I can usually tune them out if needed. I thought Jon Gruden was funny, I love Romo & Nantz, like both Buck & Aikman, as well as Michaels & Collinsworth. Honestly I never really had a problem with Phil Simms either. I preface my next statement with these facts so you’ll understand that it doesn’t come from a place of perpetual bitchiness.
Joe Tessitore and Booger McFarland are ruining football. I now hate Mondays, NOT because I have to go back to work, but rather because there is a (99.9 percent) chance that the MNF game will have gambling implications for me, and I will be forced to listen to these buffoons for 3+ hours.
Last year, this duo was matched with Jason Witten, and it was an absolute train wreck. Witten was so horrific that he chose un-retirement and CTE over embarrassing himself. It was easy to blame him for how bad things were, but this year is somehow worse. The loss of Witten’s nonsensical points have created more air time for Tessitore’s fatuous enthusiasm and McFarland’s moronic commentary. I get physically upset whenever I forget to mute the broadcast.
I have been doing these rankings for a few years now and this is honestly the most passionate I have ever been about a topic. Please ESPN, anybody else.
4. Teams With Ugly Quarterbacks
I’m not saying that having an ugly quarterback means that your team is automatically bad. I’m saying that having an ugly quarterback just means that your team is not going undefeated.
5. Atlanta Falcons
Growing up, the word “sucks” was a worse version of the word “stinks.” Not quite a swear but definitely a harsher term, like “crap” vs. “poop.” Over the years I feel like the term “he/she/they suck” has been overused to the point that it doesn’t have the same weight that it used to. On the other hand, people don’t really say “he/she/they stink” much anymore, so when they do they really mean it.
The Falcons fucking STINK.
6. Chargers’ Home Field Advantage
The San Diego Chargers are now forced to play their home games somewhere in the Los Angeles area, and some people even call them the “L.A.” Chargers. They never had many fans to begin with, because there are much cooler things to do in Southern California than attend a bad football game. The relocation has made things worse. How much worse? This much:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7ONNR1Ggg0
7. Jason Garrett
I have a confession to make: I am recycling this picture of Dallas’ beleaguered head coach. I actually used this last season… and the season before… and the season before that. You see, Jason Garrett has been on the hot seat for so long that Jerry Jones has somehow forgotten that the seat is hot. That, or Garrett has some Succession-level blackmail hanging over Jerry. Either way, the fact that he is still a head coach is almost as baffling as Booger McFarland still being a color commentator. Almost.
8. The Refs
Listen, being a referee is tough. You need to remember a million rules and make split-second decisions without the benefit of instant replay. But I still think we need to recog—wait, WHAT?? They DO have instant replay available on every big play yet still screw up dozens of calls every week??? And those calls inevitably thwart whichever team I bet on!?! FUN!
9. Marcus Mariota
There are bad weeks, and then there are “I was benched in favor of Ryan Tannehill” weeks. Mariota is having the second kind of week.
10. Mononucleosis
Take THAT Mono!!! Not so tough anymore are you??
Also Receiving Votes: The L.A. Rams’ Super Bowl Hangover, The Patriot’s Schedule, The Bucs’ Defense, Patrick Mahomes’ Ankle, Minshew Mania and Antonio Brown.
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