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Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.
1. Back-Up Quarterbacks
The big story this week were the JV QBs starting for teams all around the league. In total there were SEVEN backups that got the nod in Week 3, and some of them were damn near impressive. The legend of Gardner Minshew grew with a Thursday Night victory in a game that you were only watching if you’re related to a Jaguar or a Titan (or if you have a serious gambling problem).
Kyle Allen led the Panthers to a 38-20 victory in Arizona, Teddy Bridgewater’s Saints pulled off an upset in Seattle, and the Steelers’ Mason Rudolph didn’t completely embarrass himself in San Francisco.
The story of Sunday however was Daniel Jones. After 15+ years and 232 starts Eli Manning passed the torch to DJ, the most generic looking white dude in the history of white dudes:
Jones was masterful when he wasn’t fumbling, throwing for 336 yards and a couple touchdowns, while rushing for a couple more. They should have lost in Tampa but the football gods decided to throw the Giants a bone… more on that later.
2. The Patriots’ Moral High Ground
The Patriots won again this week blah blah blah they’re undefeated blah blah blah, I know you don’t want to hear it. I know that most of you aren’t Pats fans, so this post won’t be about how well they’re playing. Sure, their defense hasn’t allowed a touchdown since the Carter administration, but the combined record of their opponents this year is 0-9, so let’s move on.
Instead, today we recognize the organization for their moral superiority. The minute—nay, the SECOND they found out that there might be a character issue with their newly acquired wide receiver, they cut ties. Antonio Brown had been a model citizen in his time with the team, but when evidence came out that he may have acted in an unsavory they shipped him out of town immediately.
New England has become a refuge for lepers in the NFL community, a sanctuary to rebuild your career and catch touchdown passes from the greatest to ever do it. Unfortunately for AB, this safe space comes with a few rules:
1. No Cheating, under any circumstances.
2. No Distractions.
3. When possible, please avoid triple homicides.
Brown broke the second rule, and for that reason he has been cast aside. An on-field disappointment, but an off-field reminder that integrity, above all else, is what defines this dynasty.
3. The Transitive Property
Post-Week 3 is the perfect time to figure out what we know and what we don’t know. We have barely enough data to make stupid assumptions about this silly league.
Here is what we know so far…
The Patriots, Rams, and Chiefs are all definitely good. They were the three best teams last season and they are all undefeated.
The Saints, Ravens, Seahawks, Texans, and Cowboys are probably good. They all made the playoffs last year, and the only 2019 losses in this group are at the hands of other definitely good or probably good teams.
The Packers, Bills, and 49ers might be good. They are undefeated but have not played a good team yet. The Vikings might also be good, but only if the Packers are good.
The Dolphins, Jets, Bengals, and Broncos are objectively bad. They have not won a game yet and will not be making the playoffs.
That means that the other HALF of the league is a complete clusterfuck. A human centipede of mediocrity:
Congrats Giants fans! Not only do you have a new QB but you’re better than the Eagles!
4. Patrick Mahomes
In the battle of undefeated MVP candidates, it was Mahomes who came out on top, defeating Lamar Jackson’s Ravens 33-28. It was just another day at the office for KC’s QB, tallying 374 passing yards and 3 TDs, but this win was special. It was a showcase of the next generation of quarterbacks, a glimpse into the future of the NFL: a future that includes a 29 year-old Mahomes facing a 28 year-old Jackson in the divisional round for a chance to lose to a 47 year-old Tom Brady in the 2024 AFC Championship game.
5. Kickers Who Aren’t Gay
It was about to be a great Sunday for Bucs kicker Matt Gay. He had already made 4 field goals and needed just a chip shot to beat the Giants as time expired. He would have been the hero. Instead his 34-yard attempt went wide right, and it was the Giants celebrating in Tampa.
6. Browns Bandwagon Available Capacity
Sorry for the fire drill last week, you can all get back off. The Browns’ O-line can’t block anybody and Freddie Kitchens is dialing up halfback draws on 4th & 9. The team that “experts” were predicting to win the AFC North might actually have the worst team in the division. The Bengals have looked better in losses to the undefeated 49ers and Bills than the Browns have looked at all this year. SELL! SELL! SELL!
7. Mike Evans Fantasy Owners
Specifically the one that played against me this week: 190 yards and 3 touchdowns later and I feel like the gimp in Pulp Fiction.
8. Gardner Minshew
My editor told me to include him twice; apparently it’s good for the SEO.
9. My Bookie
Triumphant return for this guy in Week 3. Sometimes (rarely) I see the board really well, other times (most of my life) I don’t. During the confusing times I know I can always bet under on the Falcons point total to get a much needed win. Unfortunately this week Julio Jones had other ideas.
I didn’t want to have to do this so early in the season, but it’s time for the Rankings to take on advertisers. Please email mikepickem@gmail.com if you have a local business that you would like to see promoted in a sponsored post.
10. The No. 1 Draft Pick Sweepstakes
Next week, on the NFL Power Rankings… The Steelers and Bengals are selected for a 2-on-1 date, but only one will return… That’s all NEXT WEEK, on the NFL Power Rankings.
Also Receiving Votes: Troy Aikman’s Ego, “The Flu,” 4th and 9 draw plays, Uncle Baby Billy, London Flecther, Dildo sales in Buffalo this week, the Chargers backfield
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