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Welcome to The Prompt’s own weekly NFL Power Rankings, where we rank all of the things that matter. We apologize in advance for any jokes that offend your sensibility or analysis that offends your favorite team. All pictures from this article are presented (however poorly) by the authority of The Prompt and may not be reproduced or retransmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this Microsoft Paint artwork may not be disseminated without express written content.
1. Eli Manning, Ben Roethlisberger, & Drew Brees
We begin this week by tipping our caps to a few veteran QBs who won’t be playing much anymore. In the span of what felt like hours, all three of these guys were put on the shelf. Manning was benched in favor of rookie Daniel Jones, Roethlisberger will miss the rest of the season after elbow surgery, and Brees is out for the next 6+ weeks with a thumb injury.
Drew, Big Ben, and Eli rank 1st, 6th and 7th respectively in all-time passing yards, and the trio has combined for 5 Super Bowl victories. The week feels like a real turning point in NFL history, as we officially close the book on this generation of quarterbacks…
2. Thomas Edward Patrick Brady, Jr.
…NOT SO FAST, MY FRIEND!
I know you didn’t come here for TB12 propaganda, and frankly there is nothing left to be said in praise of this man. It’s just crazy that he has been able to outlast so many guys that were drafted years after him. If you had told me a couple years ago that Andrew Luck would retire before Brady, I’d have thought you were crazy. Now it seems highly possible that guys drafted over 10 years after him (Cam Newton, for example) will call it quits first.
Fun Fact: It has been 1,148 days (and 3 Super Bowls) since Max Kellerman predicted that Tom Brady would fall off a cliff in short order.
2 1/2. The Patriots Defense
You don’t get a full ranking spot for beating the Dolphins, but it is worth noting that the Pats have outscored their first two opponents this season 76-3. They haven’t allowed a touchdown in their last 3 games, which includes the Super Bowl against an offense that was supposed to be pretty good.
It’s too early for most people to make 19-0 predictions, but most people are pussies.
3. Patrick Mahomes
Speaking of quarterbacks who aren’t going anywhere anytime soon, Mahomes is on a fucking tear. He threw four touchdown passes on Sunday, IN ONE QUARTER! The most impressive part of his start to 2019 is his production in spite of a mediocre supporting cast. Travis Kelce is still doing his thing, but with Tyreek Hill on IR and their running game nonexistent, Mahomes has been forced to improvise. Against the Raiders he threw for 443 of the team’s 474 total yards, 172 of those going to a backup WR, Desomething Somethingson.
4. The Cleveland Browns Bandwagon
If you bought low on Browns stock last week, then you’re looking pretty good today. A 20-point victory on Monday Night Football helps to ease the pain of that Week 1 loss, too bad it was against the Jets and their third string quarterback.
If I were a Browns fan I probably would have quit watching football years ago and would be in great shape and have a ton of cool hobbies and maybe even have gone back to school, maybe culinary school, and I’d open up a little farm-to-table spot in Vermo…where the fuck was I going with this?
Sorry, if I were a Browns fan I wouldn’t be too optimistic about my team right now. Baker looked a bit shaky (and short) when he was pressured up the middle, and I’m not sure that Freddie Kitchens knows what he’s doing. Your next 5 opponents (Rams, Ravens, 49ers, Seahawks, and Patriots) are a combined 10-0 on the year.
5. Aaron Rodgers & Matt LaFleur
Everything is hunky dory in Green Bay. The Packers have started 2-0, and by all accounts Aaron Rodgers is getting along very nicely with his new head coach. It appeared that they got into a heated argument on the sidelines during the Vikings game, but according to everyone involved it was just a friendly conversation and the two are getting along really, really great. Hopefully Aaron has finally found what he is looking for.
6. Lamar Jackson, Running Back
Jackson left no doubts that he was the best QB on his team with last week’s incredible passing performance. This week he proved that he is the best runner as well:
Baltimore’s QB/RB is currently +1000 to win MVP, behind only the aforementioned Mahomes (+300) and Brady (+500). Whoever wins this week’s Ravens-Chiefs game is probably going to move to +150, so place your bets now.
7. Huge Spreads
Speaking of gambling, I must mention a couple ridiculous point spreads this week. Thanks to the overall ineptitude of the tanking Dolphins along with the dire QB situation of the Jets, we have two historic lines for Sunday.
Dallas opened as -15.5 favorites over Miami, and that has since increased to -22.5. New England opened at -10 over the Jets and that one has skyrocketed to -24.
It is a well known fact that I don’t do research for these rankings, but if I did I bet I would find out that there has NEVER been multiple point spreads above -21 on the same week, and that -24 is the biggest spread since TB12 was tossing bombs to Randy Moss in ’07.
8. Fantasy Owners of the Defense Playing the Dolphins
Congrats nerd!
9. Gardner Flint Minshew II
The internet seems to love the Jaguars’ new QB1, and last I checked this website was on that internet. So here you go. This is the obligatory Gardner Minshew post. I’m supposed to talk about how he does his pregame stretching in a thong, or how there ISN’T a Gardner Minshew I, they just named him II for shits and giggles.
I don’t care about cool names, or funny outfits, or mustaches that don’t belong to Mike Vrabel. I also don’t really care about guys who can win football games. I care about guys who can cover spreads. Minshew was able to thwart my Texans bet on Sunday, so now he has my attention. If he can win on Thursday (or lose by less than 2.5) then I will be all-in on GMII and he can have a better ranking spot next week.
10. The #1 Draft Pick Sweepstakes
Next week, on the NFL Power Rankings… see which winless teams still have a shot at loving their draft pick… and find out who isn’t tanking for the right reasons… that’s NEXT WEEK, on the NFL Power Rankings.
Also Receiving Votes: Doug Marrone’s Balls, Vic Fangio’s Balls, Cam Newton’s Bonnet, Offensive Pass Interference, Handsome Jimmy G, Dak Attack and my Cowboys-Chiefs-Browns Parlay.
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