The 2022 Prompties: Winners of A {Year in Review}

Welcome to The 2022 Prompties, an award show so prestigious you have never heard of it, or barely remember it from last year! Let’s get right to our first presenter…

Josh Bard – Villain of the Year

After holding the crown for nearly a decade, Donald Trump did not even crack the list of candidates for Best Villain of 2022. THAT’S the kind of year it has been. This has been an extremely fucked up year (evergreen tweet) and tonight we dishonor some of the people, okay let’s be honest with ourselves, the men, who made all the bad things possible.

The nominees are:

• Elon Musk, for ruining Twitter by welcoming back right wing nutjob racists and deplatforming his critics
• Kanye West, for going full Proud Boy Nazi
• Kyrie Irving, for posting a antisemitic movie and then deflecting all responsibility from it

And 2022’s Villain of the Year is… Kanye West! 

Invoking Hitler’s name usually gets you a first round bye and deep into the Best Villain playoffs. But when you invoke and then double, triple, infinitiple down on him, and add on that you like him, you are looking at a banner year. And hey, Hitler loved banners! Kanye didn’t just go platinum in antisemitism, he also wore “White Lives Matter” shirts, suggested George Floyd died of fentanyl, and continued to live as a polyp on the turdhole of Donald Trump.

Mikael Johnson – Best Show or Series I Still Have Not Seen

In 2021, I added Game of Thrones to an ever-growing list that I care less and less about with each passing year. This year, there were still many outstanding series that I could have sat down and scratched off “my viewing to-do list,” but instead arbitrarily chose to watch something like, Hey Pepsi, Where’s My Jet?

The nominees are:

• Ozark: The screen-stills from this series have the cool, bluish-green earth-tones evocative of a series directed by David Fincher, which would certainly draw me into it if he was involved. But he’s not. And I’m a huge fan of Jason Bateman. I can’t believe I haven’t accidentally clicked on this thinking it was the Arrested Development movie spin-off.
• Always Sunny in Philadelphia: This is the show that in conversation with friends, who are also fans of the show, have always assumed I have watched. Then a period of five long minutes of disbelief ensues. Once, at a holiday Christmas party at a production house, we read different scripts from holiday movies and TV shows. One of those shows was Always Sunny, and I was cast as “Charlie.” Multiple people came up to me before the reading started and said, “I can’t wait to hear your take on Charlie.” “Who’s Charlie?” I asked, followed by five long minutes of disbelief.
• The Sopranos: Mobster in therapy. Sounds RIGHT up my alley. Goodfellas was, like, my favorite movie for many years after I first saw it when I was like 13. AND I’ve spent many years in therapy—should be a no-brainer. This series was made for me! Nope. Not one episode. I watched the final scene of the last episode that takes place in a diner, I think?

And the winner is… “The Wire.” 

I’ve seen bits and pieces of it. I’ve read and heard interviews with David Simon (creator), whom I really find interesting. I grew up in Maryland, and I am a huge Orioles fan. Plus, I have used the series’ structure, how it primarily features different city organizations by season, in conversations with people and have acted like I knew what I was talking about. I think that’s called lying. I really need to sit down and watch this; the longer I go and keep talking about it like I know something, the more and more I question my own character.

Devin Householder – Most Memorable Episodes in 2022 Reality TV

And the nominees are…

• Celebrity Big Brother (S4:E7) – A wild night of wine and truth-telling bonds house gal pals Lauren (Boebert) and Stacey (Abrams). When a loaded Glock 19 finds its way into an unhinged game of vodka charades, things take a grisly turn.
• The Bachelorette (S27:Finale) – A dramatic franchise first, bachelorette Suzette chooses BOTH marketing executive Bryce (he/him) AND professional dominatrix Shank (they/them) for the first polyamorous, sexually ambiguous proposal finale.
• Survivor Antigua (S41:E5) – Right in the middle of a routine fish-hunting competition, Omicron and Delta tribes’ fourteen remaining contestants inexplicably subdue and hogtie host/exec producer Jeff Probst, agreeing to trade the four-time Emmy winner for the $1 million prize money. The combined tribes form a circle around Jeff and sing Happy relentlessly as negotiations reach a tense standstill.

Winner:  Survivor Antigua (S41:E5)  – An instant classic, and winner of this year’s award. S41:E6-E11 went on to highlight Probst’s shocking deterioration juxtaposed with the casts expanding acapella repertoire; each later episode achieving a >40 share.

Honorable Mention: S41:E12 – season/series finale –  (Goodbye, Jeff)

Dan Farkas – Most Annoying Online Hassle

…and the nominees are (please listen carefully as our menu options have changed)

• •  Important emails going to the Junk folder – Microsoft, Apple, and Google failing to discriminate between a deadline notification from your boss and an investment opportunity from a Nigerian prince

• Junk texts

• Passwords requiring upper case, lower case, numbers, three different fonts, special characters (and what makes the lowly ampersand special, anyway), Cyrillic letters, chemical symbols, and just a squirt of blood from a finger prick

And the winner, for the 10th year in a row, breaking the record of nine, previously held by “slow modem dial-up speed”…

pÄ$$wØrD§

Sarah Razner – Most Moving Political Movement of 2022

The nominees for 2022’s Most Moving Moment in United States politics are:

• Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson’s Confirmation to the United States Supreme Court as the first woman of color to serve on the court
• Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy’s speech to the United States’s Congress
• The aftershocks of the Uvalde mass shooting, from parents and survivors speaking of their loss and trauma to to Matthew McConaughey’s speech to the White House Press Corps

And the winner is… Volodymyr Zelenskyy.

There are few things in American politics that unite people on both sides of the aisle anymore—and even fewer that are good. Bills that most Americans support don’t pass. Comments that would cause most people to lose their jobs now propel representatives’ popularity with some while others call for their resignations. Yet, on December 21, during a joint session of Congress, the vast majority of representatives and senators got to their feet to applaud Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy as he addressed them. It was a historic speech, drawing parallels from commentators and journalists to British Prime Minister Winston Churchill’s address in 1941 in the midst of World War II.

From the dais, Zelenskyy spoke to the American people about the Ukrainians’ fight against the Russians. He shared the country’s resolve in the face of continual blasts and brutality, as well as their desire to carry on and find ways to celebrate, even in the darkness of a bomb shelter. He reminded us that to support their fight is not only to support democracy in Ukraine, but around the world. In a picture perfect moment, he presented a Ukrainian flag signed by soldiers to Vice President Kamala Harris and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, and together, they held it high as a symbol of unity.

When Russia invaded Ukraine in February, one could not have predicted this image. Many did not have high hopes for Zelenskyy, the actor turned president, predicting he would either be quickly killed or leave the country. Many believed that Ukraine’s major cities would fall within days, and the country would go with it. Ten months later, Zelenskyy and Ukraine are still standing, gaining ground against a massive Russian military, and showing the world what it looks like to fight like hell. If that doesn’t make your heart swell, I don’t know what does (I’m looking at you Matt Gaetz and Lauren Boebert)

Natalie Brandt – Best Fact Discovered by Naïve Urbanites Who Adopted Free-Range Chickens (all puns intended):

• Chickens are Not Dumb. Sure, they have tiny brains, as everyone will repeat ad nauseam any time you complain about how three heritage egg-layers have formed a union to take over your life and systematically destroy the new landscaping. Size matters not. Three pea-sized noggins together make one Mensa bird brain capable of hatching elaborate escape plans, corralling and killing garden snakes, and squawking in unified harmony when they decide it’s time for the humans to come rushing out of their cozy house to bring yummy treats so the neighbors don’t complain about the chorus.

• Chickens Have Distinct Personalities. Lamonte is the fat one who runs the show. Nikita is the skinny free spirit who wanders off on her own and then freaks out and sprints across the yard to find her friends about 72 times a day. And Moby Chic is the squatty, broody hen that screams when she lays eggs and screams when she wants to be liberated from her adorable William Sonoma coup in order to enjoy a leisurely day of shitting on the patio furniture or eating the decorative plants. Editor’s note: At awards time, only Moby Chic is among the living. Out of sensitivity to the author’s lingering trauma over the demise of two hens and her devotion to proper grammar at all costs, the present tense was used in reference to Nikita and Lamonte. May they Rest In Peace.

• Martha Stewart Can Suck It. Farm fresh eggs are amazing. And there is something ineffably earthy and satisfying about retrieving edible brown orbs from a nest in your own backyard and scrambling up breakfast for the family. I am a goddess in this moment: a city-dwelling goddess who harvest nutrients from my own soil and sends my young off to battle (private school) with bellies full of love and sustenance.

And the winner is… Martha Stewart Can Suck It. Her go-to hostess gift is fresh eggs from her farm. One, I don’t get invited to things that require a hostess gift. Two, fresh eggs can stay out on the counter for weeks as long as you don’t clean them, because cleaning them wipes the protective membrane off. So, Martha is either toting baskets of clean but rotten eggs to her garden parties or she’s bringing counter-sustainable eggs that are still covered in the protective membrane, and feathers, and poop. Details, Martha! Three, being a goddess is only fun for about a week. Chickens are a total pain in the ass. The eggs are technically free, but they are actually the most expensive food in the entire house. Chicken feed, bedding, vet trips, bourbon for the irritated neighbor, replacement landscaping, a state-mandated necropsy for Lamonte to ensure her death isn’t avian flu, and weekly Krispy Kreme glazed donuts for Moby Chic (she’s picky), and my goddess moment is over. Everyone’s just getting a toaster waffle for breakfast from now on.

Kelaine Conochan – Sportsperson of the Year

Ever notice how sports are… actually so much more than just sports? As spectators, we bear witness to stories of dedication, struggle, sacrifice, triumph, and defeat. In every game, it’s as if the entirety of the human condition appears right before our very eyes. In 2022 (as in every year), we witnessed extraordinary stories of even more extraordinary athletes, overcoming spectacular odds, pressure, and opponents to come out victorious.

This year’s nominees are:

• Lionel Messi (Soccer – Argentina / Paris Saint-Germain), for finally winning his first World Cup, scoring 7 goals, and winning the Golden Ball as player of the tournament on his way to leading Argentina to victory
• Brittney Griner (Basketball – Phoenix Mercury / UMMC Ekaterinburg), who missed the entire 2022 WNBA season after being wrongfully detained as a Russian prisoner for nearly 10 months
• Aaron Judge (Baseball – New York Yankees), for hitting 62 homers, breaking the previous AL record, and securing a 9-year, $360 million contract—a whopping $150 million higher than the extension the Yankees offered him in 2021

And 2022’s Sportsperson of the Year is… Brittney Griner. 

Messi and Argentina beat France. Aaron Judge beat the Yankees at their own game. But Brittney Griner beat Russian authoritarianism. No athlete was tested quite like she was. Separated from her wife, family, friends, and teammates for nearly 10 months. Working 16 hour days in a penal colony. No clarity on whether, when, or if she might be free to return to the United States. On December 8th, Griner was freed after the U.S. State Department negotiated a prisoner swap.

In one of her first acts on home soil, she grabbed a basketball and DUNKED. Sorry, but there’s just no bigger play than dunking on Vladimir Putin. Since returning home, Griner has declared that she will continue to advocate for the release of other political prisoners across the globe and made clear her intentions to return to the WNBA in the 2023 season.