Prompt Images
In 1992, there was no greater honor than being part of the Dream Team, the selection of 12 of the best basketball players ever to play the game. The team won every game, never took a time out, and went on to win the gold medal and the hearts of every American.
Fast forward to 2018, and the greatest honor is to climb to the top of The Prompt’s very inappropriate Wet Dream Team. Today we an unnecessarily comprehensive ranking from three different perspectives: a straight woman, a gay man, and a straight man. Get inclusive, get uncomfortable.
Straight Girl Picks – Wet Dream Team Rankings
by Kelaine Conochan
1. Scottie Pippen
There’s a big psychological component to this ranking, which I’m going to call (and trademark?) the Jersey Chaser Complex. Which is to say that Pippen isn’t the most fuckable of these guys without the context of being in the NBA. If they’re all just dudes-on-the-street, Pippen is probably #4.
But there’s an added layer in that he also played the #2 guy to the #1 guy of all time. Pippen clearly knows how to let someone else have their night. You’ll fuck better with Scottie because he makes you a better player. You’ll like fucking Scottie Pippen because you’ll like who you are when you’re fucking Scottie Pippen.
And because teamwork makes the wet dream work / there’s no O in team, Scottie Pippen is on top. #SeeWhatIDidThere
2. John Stockton
You caught me. I’m a sucker for a point guard. The vision. The anticipation. The exposed mid-thigh.
More importantly, at 6’1″, 175 lbs., Stockton did not make the NBA or Dream Team due to his natural endowments. He got there from shooting hundreds of thousands of free throws in his driveway. Learning to spot up with someone in his face. Perfecting his entry pass.
Is it racist or cultural (in)appropriation to assume Stockton can achieve a tantric orgasm? Probably. But this is a game of generalizations. No one looks at John Stockton and says “THAT GUY FUCKS,” but I’m guessing that guy fucks.
3. Michael Jordan
It’s super hot how Jordan just went bald without any bullshitting—just shaved his head, and that was the end. That’s a dude who knows how to get down to business.
But, I have to put Jordan not-first because it would make him so angry and competitive. And then there’d be this whole narrative about how he got cut from his high school fucking team, and how that was his motivation to become the G.O.A.T. Then he’d start gambling and try a new sport and fail and realize he should have just kept fucking. He’d come back wearing the 4-5. What a story of triumph in the face of adversity.
But on the real—I’d rather have sex with Jordans—the sneaker—than Jordan—the person. If we’re objectifying, let’s objectify all the way.
4. Magic Johnson
FACT: if you ignore the risk of contracting HIV, Magic is supremely fuckable.
So, I’m going to go ahead and assess Magic’s fuckability in 1992 through the present day lens, where he is a black superhero business mogul who is beating HIV. Is that irresponsible? Well, so is hypothetically fucking 12 NBA players.
We’re doing it with the lights on.
5. Karl Malone
So, Karl Malone is the first dude on my list to have a mustache in 1992. Good for you, Karl. Congrats on breaking the hair barrier.
Malone is mid-range fuckable. He’s definitely hot in the moment, but he’s lacks the enduring boyish looks of a Magic Johnson. Malone’s face and hairline are grown-ass, and you can already see what he’s going to look like when he’s old, which is a little like fucking an old guy and therefore kind of frustrating. The Mailman has a few more years of delivering packages before his back gives out.
6. David Robinson
David Robinson is a classically handsome dude whose proportions are perfect. On sight, v-dot-fuckable. But I feel like David Robinson is probably mad corny. Like, candles and rose petals corny.
He looks like the kind of dude who would spend too long curating a 90s R&B mixtape with too much Shai and not enough Jodeci. There’d be too much talking and waiting and slowly gesticulating.
If this list was the most make-lovable, Robinson would win hands down. But if we’re headed to Bone Town, we want the express train.
7. Clyde Drexler
I can tell, even as I’m writing this, that I’m short-changing Drexler. Like, this is one of the only dudes on this list whose body isn’t going to bloat and fall apart in 10 years. This is the only dude who—at age 55—would still murder everyone at his local YMCA. And you can see it in him in 1992.
Drexler had swagger in high school and as a founding brother of Phi Slamma Jamma. But there’s just something about Drexler in 1992. I just don’t want to fuck that guy right now. It’s a mistake. I already regret it. But I just can’t.
8. Charles Barkley
No one wants to fuck a dude nicknamed “Round Mound” of anything. Also, Barkley looks like the type of guy who would push your head onto his crotch like 3 minutes after you start making out. RUDE.
Maybe I’m wrong about that, but I’m sure I’m right about this. Just as things started moving in the right direction, he’d say some shit that is juuuuust disrespectful enough that you have to pause and ask yourself—was that OK? By then, you’ve broken your flow and it’s over and you go home unsatisfied. Where there’s no titles, there’s no winning.
9. Patrick Ewing
I remember hearing a rumor when I was in high school that Patrick Ewing’s dick was so big he had to tape it to his leg when he played. I don’t have a penis, but that sounds VERY implausible. But you can’t help but picture it, right?
Rumor or not, you know this guy’s dick is too big. I can’t handle that. So, add this to the list of times when Patrick Ewing gets passed over for a position he’s qualified for, just because someone is scared of what he has to offer. Story of your life, right buddy?
10. Chris Mullin
He looks like the WHERE ARE THEY NOW for a bully from an 80s movie with a knock-off brat pack. And not even famous enough to make it onto a VH-1 reel. Just a deep internet article that you only find if you search “What is Chris Mullin doing now?”
When the answer is coaching St. Johns, you’re like “REALLY?!?!” and then immediately forget. Just like the sex, which would be rhythmic but unmemorable.
11. Larry Bird
Anyone that careless about his haircut is just not fuckable.
Bird is every guy I went to college with who watched Boondock Saints before going out, like it was some kind of rational way to gear up for interacting with other humans.
Sorry Larry, but we’re not doing it. A sloppy shot = a sloppy shot. No matter how many times it goes in.
12. Chuck Daley
That’s a no for me. These guys don’t need a coach. Why is he even here?
13. Christian Laettner
This dude isn’t even on my Hatefuckability Dream Team. How the hell did this soulless ghoul make the actual Dream Team?
Laettner made it over Shaq, Alonzo Mourning, and Isiah fucking Thomas. I get it. He “plays a different role,” which is being the chicken shit embodiment of white privilege? This dude listens to gangsta rap in his car—saying the N-word when he’s by himself—but rolls his window up when he sees black people. I got not time for you, Christian.
Gay Boy – Wet Dream Team Rankings
by Zach Straus
1. Scottie Pippen
In my darkest of hearts and most private of parts, I am certain of one thing and one thing only. Scottie Pippen makes love like he dunks on Patrick Ewing.
I humbly present to you the only pornography you will need the for the rest of your life.
If you aren’t hard and/or wet after watching that clip, then you don’t love having phenomenal orgasms/NBA basketball. Scottie Pippen. Most fuckable Dream Team member. No question.
2. Earvin Johnson
Magic Johnson ain’t about that tops and bottoms nonsense. He could play any and all positions. Sex with him would be like running a two-man three-man-weave, featuring all behind-the-back cum shots. Sure, he’s HIV+, but it’s not like I wasn’t gonna use a condom, anyway. Oh yeah. And lest I forget: HE LITERALLY HAS A MAGIC JOHNSON.
3. John Stockton
He’s not the hottest, he’s not the best player, but he’s a no-brainer Hall of Famer with a great all-around game and the dad-bod-confidence to rock short-shorts sans shame. John Stockton is the handsome-ish point guard next door. And a lifetime of remembered anniversaries, very attentive and competent bi-weekly banging in three-to-four workable positions, followed by quiet and comfortable dinners at higher-end chain restaurants is nothing to sneeze at.
4. Michael Jordan
Sure, he’s arguably the greatest basketball player of all time. And sure, that tongue game is probably mad-freaky-deeky. And sure, he could probably fuck you from the free throw line. But, even with that triple-double on the board, I can’t help but suspect that sex with MJ would end up being petty, selfish, and unnecessarily competitive. I don’t want to get pushed off the bed at the end of the game like I’m just another Byron Russell.
5. Chris Mullin
He’s six-foot-something three-ball specialist with the haircut of a Korean War era drill sergeant. I have a type. So sue me.
6. David Robinson
The Admiral would be higher on this list, except I can guarantee you that he would immediately launch into some deep-self-hatred “Oh, woe is me! What would Jesus think?” style crying three to five seconds after achieving orgasm, and past experience dictates that shit is never worth the price of admission, no matter how tall a guy is, how good he looks in uniform, or how well he plays the saxophone.
7. Clyde Drexler
Clyde is undeniably a good looking man, but there’s something about that smile/mustache combo I just don’t trust. He looks like he drives a Mazda Miata with the top down, all seasons, his overly-pleated khakis wrinkle-resisting in the wind. I’m almost certain that he’s got an Xtube account where he posts surreptitiously filmed encounters with unsuspecting partners in downtown Portland hotel rooms. If I had a to fuck classic Trailblazer, give me Big Smooth Sam Perkins or Hard-Penis Sad-Boners any day of the week.
8. Patrick Ewing
Ewing might get me more steamed up if it wasn’t for the aforementioned Pippen video. Some things, you can’t unsee.
9. Larry Bird
Credit due, Larry Bird had the ultimate driveway/pick-up/garbage game, which I assume would translate into him being down for capital-w Whatever creative-ish bedroom foulfilth I could possibly dream up. If it wasn’t for his terrifying mustache/eyes/mouth/lips/cheeks/overallfacesituation and legendarily bad back, he would be much higher on this list.
10. Charles Barkley
I don’t feel like this low rank needs much explaining. At best, Sir Charles is a personality-fuck, but he doesn’t have that great of a personality. Point of Order: I’d like to officially go on the record as saying Charles Barkley talks like he has a low-quality blueberry muffin from Caribou Coffee in his mouth at all times, which is actually only 43% of the time.
11. Karl Malone
OK, so it’s hard to ignore those shoulders, but Karl Malone is still a terrible person who was rude to my younger brother in a Los Angeles parking garage. I hope he crashes his shit-kicker-big-rig truck into an overpass. I hope he get poisoned and eaten by a manspider.
12. Christian Laettner
One word: Duke. Life’s seventh greatest injustice is that Christian Laettner, the OG fuckboi, was a playable character in original NBA Jam for Super Nintendo.
13. Chuck Daley (Coach)
Chuck Daley? More like Blow-Chunks Daily. AMIRITE? AMIDOINGTHISRITE?
Straight Boy Picks – Wet Dream Team Rankings
by Dennis William
1. Michael Jordan
Jordan kind of brings out the starfucker in me. I feel like he has to be number one because he’s Michael Jordan. Fortunately, the Dream Team era did not overlap with Jordan’s Chaplin/Hitler moustache phase. That would have been a knock against him.
What I’m not sure about is how his notorious competitive streak would factor into the love-making. I don’t need this to be some sort of weird competition where he’s demanding to know how many orgasms I had with Magic or Bird, only to demand that we go one more.
Jordan catches a lot of flak for not being a good dresser. And not just by 90s standards. Even today he makes some questionable pants choices.
He feels like a case where if someone thought Jordan was handsome, then I wouldn’t argue the point, but I just don’t see it.
2. David Robinson
Robinson looks good in this team photo. Look at his arms. Those are statuesque. And he’s one of the younger players here. He has the man in uniform thing going for him (though it’s the Navy, so it could be better). And his nickname is The Admiral, which plays nicely into some rear admiral jokes that should definitely be happening.
I think he’s a strong contender for most fuckable.
3. Karl Malone
Late-career Karl Malone is a little pudgy, and had a suburban dad kind of feel that I don’t care for. But this is younger Malone and he looks pretty good here. He is pulling off the jehri curl (jehri? jheri? jerhi? Microsoft Word doesn’t know either). I’m dropping him some spots, because I’m 85% sure that Malone is kind of a dope and I can’t look past that. I’m just too interested in my lover’s intellect, because I’m better than you.
4. Clyde Drexler
Drexler has a distinguished older gentleman vibe here. Nice smile, warm eyes. He’s your friend’s dad that you have a little crush on. And I assume his nickname, Clyde the Glide applies to his penetration style, too.
5. John Stockton
Stockton is the best looking of the four white players, which isn’t saying much. If I squint I can convince myself that he kind of looks like Rivers Cuomo and bump him up a space or two, but why? Stockton is the one you’ll settle for when his hotter friends ignore you at last call.
6. Charles Barkley
I’m putting him here, because I honestly have no idea. Chuck has always looked middle aged.
7. Patrick Ewing
Can you look past the sweat factor? I can’t.
8. Christian Laettener
How fuckable is Christian Laettener? If we’re talking about in the sense that he can get fucked/go fuck himself, then very much.
Plus, he looks a little psychotic in the team picture. This is not a strong group of white men, looks-wise.
9. Chris Mullin
Was Chris Mullin really that good of a basketball player? I’m dumbfounded that this person played on the Dream Team.
10. Scottie Pippen
Total Butter face. But-his face.
11. Magic Johnson
Before I can answer how fuckable Dream Team era Magic is, I need some questions answered. Are we fucking in 1995 or now? Is Prep available? What kind of health insurance do I have access to? Or is the world where I’m sexing up an Olympic basketball team also a world where AIDS doesn’t exist?
Pending adequate answers, Magic is not fuckable.
12. Larry Bird
Larry Bird looks like a bird. Specifically, an owl. I do not want to fuck him, no matter how hot French Lick sounds as sex act.
13. Chuck Daley (Coach)
Gross.
So who’s the consensus most fuckable of the OG Dream Team? YOU DECIDE. Tweet us at @thepromptmag to join in the conversation.
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