The 2021 Prompties: The Best of the Year

Welcome to The 2021 Prompties, an award show so prestigious you have never heard of it. Let’s get right to our first presenter…

Josh Bard – Villain of the Year

Your 2021 Villain of the Year Nominees:

• Every January 6th participant, for basically everything
• Kyle Rittenhouse, for literally getting away with murder and the subsequent victory lap
• Nate Shelley, for disrespecting and betraying Ted Lasso and AFC Richmond

2021’s Villain of the Year is Nate Shelley. Nate may have surprised many with his dastardly self-ful heel turn in the second season finale, but it’s that universal me-first-ness that makes him the winner. While he did some things none of us would ever think about doing, dropping a hard f-bomb on the nicest man in the world after double-crossing him and divulging a personal secret, Nate is such a great villain because he demonstrates an energy that many of us feel. Lest he who hath not felt slighted and overreacted cast the first stone. Nate is the star of his own show, and thus we aren’t privy to seeing the slights he feels, but we can absolutely know what it feels like to be overlooked by a boss or cut down by a friend’s comment. Nate, you are the worst of us, but still one of us.

Gordon St. Raus – Best Bottoms

Your 2021 Bottom of the Year Nominees:

• Patrick the Starfish, for his continued relevance in GIF and meme form
• Chasten Butegieg, for his work on the Biden administration’s Build Bottoms Back Better plan
• Lil Nas X, for his body of musical work and body which physically twerks

2021’s BotY is Lil Nas X. Pole dancing into hell to murder the Devil via lapdance would be reason enough to earn this award, but Lil Nas X has gone above and beyond in 2021. His music and his advocacy as a queer Black man has been a blessing during a year with an otherwise shitty timeline. Flexible, unapologetic, clever, brash, and sensitive, Mr. Montero Lamar Hill encompasses all the things that make bottoms, nay humans, truly great.

Sam Hedenberg – Best Gift I Bought For My Wife But Ended Up Using Myself

Your 2021 Best Gift I Bought For My Wife But Ended Up Using Myself nominees are:

• Women’s Sherpa Fleece Jacket (Christmas)
• Tushy Bidet (Mother’s Day)
• Apple Magic Mouse (birthday)

You don’t realize how many goddamn occasions require gifts until you’re in a long-term relationship. Between birthdays, anniversaries, and other dates mandated by federal and commercial entities, I find myself buying a present for my wife once a month. As the years wear on, it gets harder to devise thoughtful gifts, so I’ve begun favoring function over sentimentality. I’ve also found myself slyly selecting things I might like to borrow.

The winner this year? The Mother’s Day Tushy Bidet. As far as I’m concerned, I can’t think of anything that says thanks for bearing my children like a stream of water up the ass. While I bought the Tushy with the best intentions, I couldn’t help but give it a test drive once I installed it.

Dear lord. Forget fire or the written word—the bidet is hands down the best invention wrought by man. It’s like wiping in the future. I’ve incorporated the Tushy into my daily routine, though on the rare occasion nature calls at the same time it does for my wife, I venture down the hall to use what I’ve now coined the peasant bathroom. After all, it IS hers.

Heather Beaver – Best Excuse

2021 was full of excuses! Here are my favorites:

• “I can’t, because I have to physically go into the office for the first time in 18 months.” Which for some means actually wearing a bra for the first time in 18 months.
• “I can’t, because I have to run a multi-day, 135-mile ultramarathon in 115-degree heat in the desert.” This excuse rocks because it seems like it has to be utter bullshit. But the best part is, it’s 100 percent legit.
• “I can’t, because I have to protest [insert some new anti-abortion state law here].” 2021 hit a new low with the sheer number of assaults on women’s rights. If you stand up for women’s sexuality, rights and health, I applaud you.

And the best excuse of 2021 is, “I can’t, I have to get vaxxed/boosted.” As of this writing, only 61 percent of the United States has been fully vaccinated, and only 16.6 percent has received a booster dose. Stop making excuses and go get your shot!

Come back tomorrow for Part II of The Prompties to find out what other oddball picks our staff has nominated for awards!