{Thanks Obama}: An Itemized Checklist for Thanking Your President

Thanks for breaking down walls instead of trying to build them up. Thanks for being a man of beautiful words and a man of your word.

Thanks for trying to work with those whose goal was to stop you. Thanks for having faith in the American way instead of having faith that you can work your way around Americans. Oh and while we’re on it, thanks for paying taxes, like Americans are supposed to do.

Thanks for caring about others first. Thanks for Obamacare, which provided millions of Americans, including my friends and family, with affordable health insurance, even as they dealt with trying and expensive medical issues.

Thanks for having black skin. And also, thanks for having thick skin. Thanks for not worrying about what Meryl Streep, or any other non-world leader thinks about you. Thanks for cherishing your allies more than taunting your enemies. And thanks for caring more about black lives than being in the black.

Thanks for lowering unemployment, but never bragging about it. Samesies for the stock market, which you almost tripled, even though you were not a savvy businessman, but merely a community organizer.

Thanks introducing the world to your humble family. Thanks for letting others lead the charge in telling the world how cute your daughters are. Thanks for marrying a strong woman who is most definitely worth emulating.

This may sound like a low bar, but thanks for not embarrassing us. Thanks for not tweeting about the ratings of The Apprentice. Thanks for not equating Cinco de Mayo with taco bowls. Thanks for understanding parity and parody, and the difference between the two.

Thanks for not commenting on a woman’s menstruation cycle during a televised debate. Thanks for not insinuating about the size of your manhood, also during a televised debate. Thanks for spell-checking.

Thanks for knowing early on, that you weren’t a hat guy.

Thanks for encouraging different opinions. Thanks for setting boundaries for safe-spaces instead of violating them repeatedly.

Thanks for speaking out against injustice and falsehood. Thanks for denouncing racist, anti-Semitic, and other -ist hate mongers when given the opportunity.

Thanks for making Washington, D.C. cool again. Or at least cooler than it was.

Thanks for respecting the Office of the President, and for knowing it is more important and powerful than the person elected to serve in it. Thanks for your tireless work for us.

Thanks, Obama.