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I’m no stranger to the celebrity crush.
From innocently pining after one of the Hansons (Taylor?), Nick Carter, and Rider Strong in the 90s, to the truly depraved conversations my bestie and I currently have about Kit Harington—as well as the agreement with my husband that “It’s not cheating if it’s a celebrity because they’re not real”—I’m extremely familiar with the concept of deciding as a society that there are certain people we’re all going to lust after.
But I’ve also always been staunchly opposed to many of the dudes that friends, the internet, and People Magazine *cough Blake Shelton cough* have put in front of me and said “This is the peak of hotness.”
So, walk with me down this path of mediocrity (in my opinion), and try not to be too offended.
Ben Affleck
Honestly, head size alone is enough to rule this man out. Literally what is it? His head is huge. I have to imagine the Batman cowl weighed, like, 30 pounds because of the supersizing they had to do to make room for this noggin. It’s bafflingly big.
But beyond that, he also looks like a gigantic douchebag. Like, just looking at him makes me want to punch something. Possibly his face. He looks like exactly the kind of Boston Masshole I was warned about when I moved to the East Coast, and I can just imagine him getting into a red-faced, throbbing-veins screaming match about Dunkin Donuts while drunk. He looks like he’s always on the verge of being extremely belligerent, and I’m not here for his nonsense.
May I Suggest Instead:
Oscar Isaac
I feel like Isaac is what you’d get if you made Affleck ethnic and actually handsome. He’s a talented actor who seems keen on spreading his shine across multiple genres, as opposed to Affleck, who gets in a groove and stays with it for several movies until everyone gets bored (or stops paying to see him).
Matt Damon
His face has a potato-esque quality when I look at it. And also he’s too close to Ben Affleck, so that’s a perma-strike against him. And his expressions never really communicate a whole lot of intelligence to me.
He just has Basic Sidekick written all over him, and not even in a GOOD way, like Chris O’Dowd (and that tall glass of Guinness can convincingly pull off the lead in an indie rom-com). Even though I actively enjoy his character in the Ocean’s movies, I feel like he just has no charisma, and it comes through in his mushy, boring face.
May I Suggest Instead:
Well, obviously Chris O’Dowd for one. But for another, Dave Franco.
Much like I’ve always considered Damon an odd, left-field pick, the younger Franco is the left-field pick that I’m a huge fan of; I actually prefer him to James. He may not have the acclaim that a young Damon got when he came into acting, but I think he’s been showing his range, and people should take notice.
Brad Pitt
People who are attracted to this, I can see where you’re coming from. In his prime, he had the right angles to his face, the kind of leanness that makes me think of tennis-playing country clubbers, and the smirk that was the right amount of douchey while still being charming. Most importantly, he looked like he knew how to take care of a lady’s bedroom needs.
But. Ya boy basic.
Honestly, I feel like he was the most basic pick for Hottest Celebrity. Get some flavor up in your hotties, America. And yeah, I know I’m not super original by having the major jones for Kit Harington, but at least he’s more interesting to look at than Brad Pitt. And he knows how to manage his facial hair, whereas BP went full on scraggly crazy man for a while there. #unsubscribe
May I suggest instead:
Idris Elba
Hellooooooo. Like Pitt, he’s very handsome and a versatile actor. But he’s black, British, and didn’t cause a controversy when he broke up with Jennifer Aniston and almost immediately started dating Angelina Jolie.
Justin Timberlake
I like JT as a person. He’s very funny and charming; I love seeing him team up with Fallon or Sandberg. He seems like a great husband to Jessica Biel, so I’ll go ahead and assume he’s a great dad. In fact, my mother-in-law has it from a reliable source (her friend’s mom who lives in the same town as Mama Timberlake) that he’s super nice in real life.
And all that is well and good. But even when I liked *NSYNC, he wasn’t my favorite.
The Ramen-noodle hair might’ve been a factor.
Also, maybe I’m the only one who sees this, but he kinda has crazy eyes.
May I Suggest Instead:
Donald Glover
Funny dude: check. Talent for music: check. Has never had hair that looks like food: check.
Leonardo DiCaprio
Yet another GIGANTIC HEAD situation here. Seriously. What the actual fuck happened between his head size in Titanic and his head size in Inception? The man is toting around a pumpkin on those shoulders. He went full Alec Baldwin in terms of heads, and it’s insane!
But also, even when his head was a normal size and shape, I wasn’t into it. He looked… weedy. Or annoying. Or both. Hard pass.
May I Suggest Instead:
Tom Hardy
Both Hardy and DiCaprio have been blessed by Chris Nolan. They’re both known for throwing themselves fully into very serious roles, but they have a capacity for whimsy in real life. But, Hardy’s British. AND he allegedly caught/citizen-arrested some thieves! What’s DiCaprio ever done except date a bunch of models?
Mark Wahlberg
I feel like I can’t understand how anyone has ever been into this. As Marky Mark, he looked like an idiot jock who would spend a date night flexing and telling you about how much he benched while he was at the gym earlier that day. Now, he looks like a dude with a lot of stories about slipping Rohypnol into drinks at bars—he does not look like someone ladies should want to know.
Also, he assaulted a Vietnamese guy in 1988, and while he didn’t actually blind him as we’d all been led to believe, the fact that he THOUGHT he did and just went on living his life is enough to for me to say “No” to the ‘berg forever and ever into perpetuity.
May I Suggest Instead:
Cate Blanchett
Because shut up and look at her! She’s gorgeous. And pretty much the exact opposite of Wahlberg.
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