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This weeks prompt is #collaboration, which pairs up a multiple Prompt writers for one piece. This piece has been written by Ryan Fay, N. Alysha Lewis, and Brian McGackin.
Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last decade, you’re aware that the Marvel Cinematic Universe is a massive phenomenon. Superhero movies have come a long way since the days of Tobey Maguire’s angst-fueled Spider-Man 3. The comic books are seeing renewed life between the new cast of diverse characters, better storytelling, and the occasional tie-ins to the movies.
With the recent release of Ant-Man & the Wasp starring a sexy cast of Paul Rudd, Evangeline Lilly, and Hannah John-Kamen, one can only wonder how long it will be until Helen Mirren joins the MCU. As we ride this train of thought, a few of us here at The Prompt found it necessary to put these heroes through the sexual ringer by playing a game of “Fuck-Marry-Kill.”
Captain America – Iron Man – Thor
Ryan
Fuck Iron Man. I’m sure I could lift something of value on my way out provided his house’s AI doesn’t tip him off first. Also, I want to be the one to save him from Gwyneth Paltrow before she talks him into shooting jade eggs into his enemies.
Marry Captain America. With those “wholesome” 1940’s values in place, he probably isn’t a fan of divorce, so whatever problems we have, we’re going to work them out. He’s probably got some other 1940’s “values” like racism, misogyny, homophobia, etc., but we can work those out over time.
Kill Thor (Odinson). Ragnarok (which is supposed to see the death of Thor anyway) was lit af, but also I want to steal Mjolnir so I can make “magic hammer” penis jokes. I also want Odinson out of the way to make room for Jane Foster’s Thor. When she’s on the field, we’ll revisit this list.
N. Alysha
Fuck Iron Man. He’s had a drinking problem in the past and likely suffered from sex addiction. You know what they say: messed-up people are great in bed. But beyond that: he’s a genius who builds toys for fun. You can’t tell me he hasn’t invented some high-tech sex gadgets! I have to know.
Marry Thor. Even if it’s not Hemsworth’s Thor, who I would absolutely share my marital bed with as long as he had his short hair, I would still be queen of Asgard. That’s dope as hell. Plus, Frigga seems like she’d be a pretty chill mother-in-law. (Odin looks like he’d get handsy with me, but it’s not like Thor hasn’t gotten in his face before.)
Kill Captain America. Y’all know how I feel about the Evans-portrayed Cap. But I probably can’t get down with the OG comic character either. I doubt I could stomach his whole “moral compass for superhero society” thing; there’s only so much self-righteousness I can take from white men.
Brian
Fuck Thor. Are you kidding me with this “Fuck Iron Man” nonsense? Tony Stark may have lived a few debaucherous decades, but Thor has been going strong for thousands of years. I’m sure he’s picked up a trick or two I’ve never even heard of. Also, have you seen Chris Hemsworth’s abs? Phew. That’s a Google search worth saving.
Marry Iron Man. I’m a golddigger, what can I say?
Kill Captain America. I love you, Steve, but I don’t need the internalized guilt that comes from being married to the world’s perfect little boy scout. Also, you know he’s vanilla as hell in the bedroom.
Hulk – The Vision – Black Panther
Ryan
Fuck Hulk. Hulk Smash.
Marry Black Panther. I’ll marry into royalty and play with cool future science gadgets all day.
Kill The Vision. I’ve seen all the Terminator movies. I don’t trust robots. Can’t even make a decent paprikash. My man needs to know how to cook.
N. Alysha
Fuck Black Panther. He should definitely marry Nakia, so I don’t want to stand in the way of their eternal love. I’ll happily take a one-night stand and then brag to all my friends about how I got to contextually call out “WAKANDA FOREVER” during sex.
Marry Vision. Being a robot, I feel like he would share my views on the fluidity of a monogamous relationship. I mean, he basically was the Internet before getting a body, so he gets what goes on there.
Kill Hulk. This is, of course, very difficult to do, whether he’s Bruce Banner or not. So I choose to kill the part of his personality that makes it difficult for him to come to terms with his Jekyll/Hyde life. Own it, bro. You get to turn into something GREEN and nearly unstoppable; that’s awesome.
Brian
Fuck The Vision. He’s just a vibrator on legs. I’m sure he has plenty of different speeds, textures, and intensity settings that Wanda’s programmed into him over the years.
Marry Black Panther. Do I need to be an active first husband of Wakanda? Or can I enjoy the spoils of royalty in peace. Although, I have always been interested in international diplomacy…
Kill Hulk. Or shoot him into space to ravage a warrior planet, become its king, and return to Earth to seek revenge on the so-called “heroes” who once claimed to be his friends.
Black Widow – Scarlet Witch – Wasp
Ryan
Fuck Wasp. The shrinky-growy powers could be fun, but she seems all work and no play, so I don’t see it working out long term.
Marry Scarlet Witch. She’s clearly one of the strongest people in the MCU and WAY more powerful in the comics. Good person to keep happy. Also, dat cleavage tho…
Kill Black Widow. That spy just wants my secrets.
N. Alysha
Fuck Black Widow. She was probably trained in the art of pleasure when she reached the right age at her Russian Spy school; the 60s were a different time lol. I would have to worry about whether she’d try to kill me after . . . or if the wine “to loosen me up” beforehand was poisoned . . . But sometimes danger can be an exciting element to sex. Just ask all the people who incorrectly interpreted Fifty Shades of Grey!
Marry Scarlet Witch. She goes through a lot of emotional turmoil during her relationship with Vision—he gets turned into an emotionless robot or murdered in front of her very eyes (after she ALREADY had to kill him herself), or she has to reshape the universe and therefore erase all traces of their relationship. I want to save her from all that. The craziest thing she’d have to deal with from me is that I might stop showering for a few weeks because depression.
Kill the Wasp. I don’t like bugs. Or bug-sized people. Either one could potentially fly into my orifices and fuck up my body from the inside. Or just fly into my orifices and die inside my body because they got stuck. I can’t live with that knowledge!
Brian
Fuck Black Widow. Obviously. Obviously. I can’t imagine any reason why this wouldn’t be the best night of my life. *sticks fingers in ears, refuses to listen to the many, many reasons why this could be a terrible idea*
Marry Wasp. No offense, but I’m marrying the Wasp out of fear, not love. I could not take a lifetime of Wanda Maximoff’s particular brand of crazy. I don’t need that stress in my life. Janet van Dyne seems like a pleasant and respecting partner. She deserves happiness after all those years of putting up with Hank Pym’s awful wife-beating ass. I would gladly be a part of that happiness.
Kill Scarlet Witch. THIS WITCH IS CRAZY.
Hawkeye – Ant-Man – Spider-Man
Ryan
Fuck Hawkeye. Just once on a rooftop. Make him fall in love with me and then break his heart. And I’m talking about the comics version. Jeremy Renner is far too fugly for me.
Marry Ant-Man. He’s super dedicated to his daughter, which puts Paul Rudd in the only role he should ever play: hot dad. Plus, I’m sure he’d let me take the suit out for a spin so I could become the new Ant-Man if he ever got food poisoning by accident. “Sorry, Scott. Didn’t realize I under-cooked the chicken…again. Anyway, gotta go save the day. Borrowing the suit brb kthnxbai.”
Kill Spider-Man. Before he can kill me. His radioactive semen canonically killed Mary Jane.
N. Alysha
Fuck Hawkeye. I feel this would likely be a scenario where the wingwoman takes one for the team because my friend is hitting it off with the hotter guy, and I’m stuck with his random friend who’s really into archery for whatever reason. I mean, nothing against Hawkeye, but . . . who even is he?
Marry Spider-Man. Yes, I will gladly leave Lawrence and marry Tom Holland. He’s of age, adorable, and I found his performance of “Umbrella” on Lip-Sync Battle far more arousing than I probably should have. Plus, I’m terrible at remembering to take pictures to document my life. Peter Parker would always remember—he needs that camera 24/7 to appease Jay Jonah Jameson’s lust for Spidey pics. (But would this mean he’d send me a lot of naughty photos while we were courting? I hope you’re better than that, Tom.)
Kill Ant-Man. I can’t very well kill the Wasp for being bug sized and then leave Ant-Man alive, now can I? If we’re talking Hank and Janet, then at least I can feel less guilty because the husband and wife got to die together. If we’re talking Paul Rudd . . . then never mind, I’ll marry him too! Polygamy, bitches!
Brian
Fuck Hawkeye. Ugh, you’re really making me do this, huh?
Marry Spider-Man. I love a guy with a sense of humor, a strong moral compass, and a bracelet that shoots insta-hammocks. If I had a dollar for every time I said, “Man, I wish I had a hammock right now.” Match made in heaven.
Kill Ant-Man. I guess if we’re talking Scott Lang, I’d fuck him. Sure. But Hank Pym, the o.g. Ant-Man, wife-beater and general selfish prick? Nah.
Do you agree with us? Disagree with us? Did we leave out your favorite character and want to get some hot takes via the Interwebs? Reach out to us on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram to yell at us! We like the attention. Maybe we’ll holla back.
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