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What up, fellow history nerds, Kennedy lovers, and/or people who like tasteless jokes about people who are long dead? I’m about to rank, by hotness, the classiest, most in-bed-with-the-mob, weirdest voiced family in American royalty—and I am not pulling any punches.
“Ask not what your sexual partner can do for you, ask what you can do for your sexual partner.” I’m so sorry, parents and relatives and friends of The Prompt. On to the ranking!
9. Edward “Ted” Kennedy
Guys and gals and people—he basically murdered a lady. He didn’t do a great job of hiding it or atoning for it. Appearance wise, I’d say he looks a person who would, I don’t know, let a person drown for several hours and never suffer consequences. I am just stating the facts. Ted Kennedy was never a looker, and he also killed another human. He’s last, forever and always.
8. Patrick Kennedy
Kelaine interned for him back in 2005 while he was a Congressman for Rhode Island, so I wanted to give him a shoutout, but he doesn’t seem to be much of a hunk. He has Ted’s genes, so I get why. From a cursory Wikipedia scan, he seems normal and nice, so that’s a plus!
7. Conor Kennedy
Dated Taylor Swift—immediately lower in my opinion. Also, he looks like every guy from my high school rolled into one, which I hate. But would hate fuck.
6. Joe Kennedy, III
When this guy came on the scene a few weeks ago (read: I, literally, first learned about him when I read he was doing the State of the Union rebuttal. He is 37 year-old man, so he’s been on the scene for some time now.), I was hyped. “Ooh, a Kennedy for us! How exciting,” I thought. But then I looked up a picture of him. Guys, he’s not even that hot! How did we get stuck with a knockoff Kennedy? He looks like if Conan O’Brien did a sketch where he pretended to be a long lost Kennedy cousin and made a lot of jokes about being Irish and having red hair and a weird voice. That’s harsh, but it’s just the way I feel.
5. JFK, Jr.
Was a good athlete, plus had an amazing level of chest hair that was a lot but not in an aggressive way. Honestly, it’s still pretty hard to get that devastating image of him as a kid at JFK’s funeral out of my head, but I could do it while looking into those deep, brown eyes. He was People’s Sexiest Man Alive! That counts for something, too. This is supremely offensive, and I totally understand if you want to stop reading.
4. Jack Schlossberg
The Kennedy closest to me in age is at Yale Law school, does loads of charity work, is on Instagram, and has a great face and body. This is a killer combination, and it pains me to know that I will never marry a Kennedy.
3. JFK
The pinnacle of masculinity and human sexuality. I don’t think I’m the first person to say the phrase “lady boner,” but I may be the only person to frequently text, Snapchat, and say aloud “Lady Boners for JFK.” JFK is truly the Prince Charming of the Kennedy clan. That smile. That hair. That voice. That medically-induced tan. And the power! He was the president, for fuck’s sake. Of all the Kennedys, living or dead, he is the one that I personally would have most liked to bone.
But even I must concede there are downsides to sleeping with this sunglasses wearing, Pearl Harbor surviving, missile crisis averting hero. The first issue I foresee (or should have foreseen, if I ever go back in time and try to seduce JFK) is STDs. I mean, JFK was a little bit of a slut. It’s fine, he got around. I’m not shaming him. (Actually, I am. Jackie was perfect, and it was incredibly disrespectful for him to have cheated on her all the fucking time!) I think maybe, just maybe, this would not be the cleanest sexual encounter to have. Plus, he was getting a lot of adrenaline shots all the time, and I hate needles. This would not be ideal. And would the relations in general be overrated? Would his personality be a turnoff? I feel like this is my white whale, Sexiest President Ever! Could it live up to the hype? I have my doubts. But I still would hit it.
2. RFK
Now, I know what you’re thinking. Bobby was married to Ethel. They were a wonderful couple. He would never cheat on her or leave her, especially since they had like a dozen children. Bobby is the most reliably sexy of the Kennedy family, simply because he was a) seemingly the most moral and b) Bobby also just seemed a lot more selfless in comparison to the other Kennedy dudes, so I feel like he’d be selfless in the ways that really matter. (wink)
(P.S. – I had written out before, specifically, what I would have liked him to do to me, but I took it out because I felt so bad. Again, I’m so sorry everyone.)
1. Jackie O.
OK. Technically, Jackie is only a Kennedy by marriage, but is also, quite possibly, the most beautiful human to ever inhabit this Earth? Jackie had incredible style, poise, and grace, and was committed to expanding the American public’s understanding of the White House and the presidency. She cared deeply for the arts, education, and was responsible for keeping much of JFK’s legacy intact. She was a boss lady with quiet strength; long, beautiful legs; a big ol’ brain; and a dazzling smile. Number one in my heart forever.
What other cursed families should we rank by sexiness? Let us know in the comments on Facebook and Twitter, along with what circle of Hell you think Erin will end up in for writing this piece!
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