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Last night amidst the bickering and finger pointing of the second presidential debate, the world met American Treasure, Ken Bone.
You know, this little tugboat:
In less than 48 hours, Ken Bone has gained more than 80,000 Twitter followers, appeared on multiple TV and radio programs, and become the most likely costume at every Halloween party.
But, this is America, the land of opportunity. So how should our new obsession capitalize on his newfound fame? Ken Bone may still be undecided, but The Prompt Staff casts our vote.
Jenna Billingsley
Heard of Kenny B? An instant YouTube sensation, Ken Bone leveraged his debate star power to pursue his lifelong dream of touring the country in honor of his idol, the one and only Kenny G. The tour, titled Bone Dry with Kenny B, is set for a few minor cities in the Southwest including Taos and Heber. Keeping his stache intact for recognizability, he invested the $10,000 he earned endorsing Polaroid Disposable Cameras into hair extensions, a small RV, 300 tour posters, and a 12 foot banner. An investment he claims “makes it more real.” I happen to agree.
Mike Stiriti: Buddy Cop TV Show
Obviously Ken Bone needs to team up with disgraced Wisconsin District Attorney Ken Kratz for a buddy cop show.
I envision the title being Bone, Drugs & Felony, Good Cop/Bad Cop: Together We Ken. The pair will travel the Midwest solving murders, and Bone will use his Aw-shucks demeanor and calming sensibilities to talk Kratz out of prosecuting the wrong person each episode.
Jesse Stone
Good news PBS, you finally have a show to fill that Julia Child hole in your heart: Bone Appetit.
No Guy Fieri frills here. Just Ken Bone, his mom, and a kitchen that hasn’t been renovated since 1986. On the menu? T-bone steaks, pork chops, turkey drumsticks, short ribs, and any other foods that can be turned into fossil fuel energy one day. For dessert, Ken’s renowned Red Velvet Sweater Cake.
Come for the food, stay for the conversation! Like the conversation Ken constantly has with his mother about how difficult it is to choose a candidate with only 3 1/2 year long campaign seasons.
And look, PBS, if this particular show doesn’t strike your fancy, maybe you’d prefer something more along the lines of a buddy cooking show, like Yen Ken Cook?
Matt Guttentag
I know there are a lot of Bone Thugs-N-Harmony jokes out there already, but I decided to lean all the way in, because Ken should too:
- Bone Hugs in Pharmacies: A CVS ad campaign in which Ken and Krayzie Bone surprise patrons who are nervous about their flu shot with a big ol’ bear hug
- Bone, Pugs, and Car Bunnies: A web series that has Ken and Bizzy Bone driving around in a van with a bunch of pugs and rabbits, delighting random children
- Bone Chugs in Germany: Travelogue series following Ken and Layzie Bone exploring the legendary breweries of Bavaria
- Bone Loves to Charm Honeys: Ken and Wish Bone co-author a book on the intersection of energy policy, melodic MC flows, and pick up artists
- Bone’s Jugs and Artistry: Ken and Flesh-n-Bone become business partners to open an artisan shop focused on custom glassware
Billy Hafferty
For the remaining duration of the election, PBS will repurpose the set of children’s TV icon, Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood, for a special starring Ken Bone as the new narrator. Ken will be the first man allowed to wear Mr. Rogers’ iconic sweater wardrobe since Fred’s passing. The special episode, entitled “Make America Bone Again,” will open with the acapella intro to “Crossroads” by Bone Thugs-N-Harmony.
Ken will offer innocuous takes on hard-hitting topics of the election, pointing out the obvious dangers of voting for the wrong candidate, in Saturday Night Live’s Jack Handy-esque comedic monologue, seemingly directed at children but really directed at unhinged political supporters. At the end he will dish out free hugs, pats on the back, big smiles, and uplifting compliments to his audience.
Jared Hutchinson
A Watch the Bone tour would absolutely kill. Kenny B doesn’t need to perform onstage, rather just appear at places where he does his best work.
For example:
- Pulling in his 2004 Ford Focus into a local car wash to help fund a kids’ baseball team
- Accidentally getting mustard on his shirt at a church picnic while dressing his hot dogs
- Chunking balls at the driving range
He does what Ken Bone does best: engage in polite small talk while unknowingly reminding everyone in attendance that it’ll all be okay.
Josh Bard
My name is Bone, Kenneth Bone. No, I’m not an international spy, but I do know a thing or two about martinis.
Which is why I’m here today, talking to you about Beefeater Gin. I may be an undecided voter, but I know what I want when it comes to the finer things in life. In fact, I am undecided in this election because when you have sophisticated taste like mine, you won’t settle for less. When it comes to Beefeater Gin, I vote early and often. Its full-bodied flavor profile begins with a touch of juniper and finishes with a floral bouquet. For a good buzz or single drink, Beefeaters checks all of the boxes.
Kenneth Bone for Beefeaters. When you can’t find it in a leader, pick a spirit that is refined, consistent, and tasteful.
Kelaine Conochan
Do you hipsters even know why you love Ken Bone? Because he’s earnest. Because in this hideous circus of an election, Ken Bone is the sweater-vested dad hug we all need. But we don’t deserve Ken Bone.
We created these monsters. We chose these monsters. And now we have to live with these monsters. Is it any wonder Ken Bone is still undecided?
KEN BONE ISN’T FOR SALE. The second we sell him is the second we lose him. CAN’T YOU SEE THAT?! But for real, if this guy had a line of sugar cookies in every major grocery store, I’d definitely buy those.
Erin Vail
Maybe this is a little too literal, but Ken Bone should just wait until medical advances have allowed us to clone/harvest/store our own organs, in the style of The Island, and then sell his body parts for money. Who wouldn’t want a Ken Bone Femur Bone? Ken Bone Tibia/Fibula Two-fer? Ken Bone Blood 4 Cash. A Ken Bone…r. (I’m sorry.)
All I’m saying is people would definitely pay for a piece of historical memorabilia that was once living, and this would benefit Ken Bone in the long run, since he would be up for new/fresh organs, potentially ensuring his immortality. So, we all win.
Jillian Conochan
$3,196,300. You know what that is? The lifetime earnings of the winningest Jeopardy! player, Ken Jennings. F*ck Ken Jennings.
Tonight it’s about Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Starring you, Ken Bone.
You know what else? F*ck a million. How about 22, A Million? I’m talking about you, Ken Bone, getting involved with Bon Iver, as their third album sits at the top of the Billboard charts.
Monetarily speaking, I don’t know how you’ll achieve this. The artistic genius behind Bon Iver, Justin Vernon, seems to be a pretty down-home guy who doesn’t care so much about money. I mean, he helped Bernie Sanders, that Commie bastard, win the Democratic primary in his home state of Wisconsin, for Chrissakes. Come to think about it, maybe he’s onto something. If Hillary gets elected, you’d be taxed on 22, A Million dollars at a rate of 43.6 percent!
So maybe you say f*ck Ken Jennings, f*ck a milli, and f*ck this advice too. Rock on with your sweet self and never sell out. Maybe just lend your name to raise awareness for bone marrow donation. Mmyess, that’s much more in line with the Kenneth Bone brand™.
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