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Minneapolis is a nice city, with Midwest sensibilities. Friendly, beautiful, charming, and wholly unprepared to become a smoldering battleground for two unrelenting and dastardly forces. Beware residents: The New England Patriots and the Philadelphia Eagles are headed to Super Bowl LII.
Eagles fans and Patriots fans are gearing up to annihilate Minneapolis. Rival armies, whose depravity knows no limits and whose combatants are naturally set to “mutually assured destruction,” will soon be marching across state lines. They may pollute all of Minnesota’s 10,000 lakes and then drink them dry. Like Columbus bringing disease to Native Americans, there is no immunization or defense for the incoming plague of obnoxiousness, because there has never had to be. Minnesotans are likely preparing welcome wagons, and sweet intending “Aww shucks, dontcha know”s. They are not at all ready for the vulgarity and DNGAF-ness from the I-95 corridor.
It’s a crying shame that a kind, unassuming city like Minneapolis has to bear the brunt of two of the most notorious fanbases. Pats fans and Eagles fans are supposed to fight in places that are middleground and already dead on the inside, like Manhattan.
Minnesota has natural beauty and splendor. Eagles fans literally punch horses. And not just one time recently, but twice outside of the stadium before playoff games. And they weren’t even playing the Broncos or the Cowboys! A writer for the LA Times actually had to write an article titled, “Why do people keep punching police horses at Philadelphia Eagles games?”
I mean just look at this scene!
Minnesota has the Mall of America, but Bostonians have been mauling Americans since the 1770s. There are movies about it. Really think about any movie you love set in Boston and you will quickly realize the heart of it is just people fighting (Also, general rule—never think about Fever Pitch). Massachusetts has an entire holiday dedicated to starting a fight. That holiday? It’s unsurprisingly called Patriots Day.
Minnesotans are kind, sweet people who would be justifiably horrified by fans booing Santa Claus (a proud Philadelphia moment). Or tweeting about an opponent’s recently deceased family member (classic Boston). Or throwing batteries (Philly), icy snowballs (Boston), or full beer cans at the opposition (Philly, this week). Or just try explaining to a midwesterner that Crisco would be used to grease poles, in order to keep celebrating citizens from climbing them. The horror!
I hope Minneapolis has a plan.
Minnesota needs a modern day Paul Revere, ready to ride through the night to warn if drunken Patriots fans, dressed as Revolutionary War militiamen, are arriving. One if by land or two if by lake. And whether said militia are carrying antiquated muskets or just old-timey racial ideologies.
Not saying, just saying…
Minneapolis needs to employ exponentially more police officers and set aside many more holding blocks at local police stations. Six arrests in Philly last weekend may have been manageable, but that was a home game that they easily won! Specifically, Minneapolis traffic cops must be aware of Eagles fans taking their dune buggies onto Minneapolis museums and get public transit cops and EMTs in case of any more train extracurriculars.
And those are just the physical manifestations that Patriots and Eagles fans may bring to Super Bowl week. Don’t forget the rhetoric!
Has any five-time champion fan base ever felt more slighted than Patriots fans? No, the NFL isn’t trying to keep you down or else you wouldn’t have been on the receiving end of overturned touchdowns by Austin Seferian-Jenkins, Jesse James, and Kelvin Benjamin this year. No, ESPN isn’t trying to keep you down or else they wouldn’t pay any attention to you—like how they treat the Titans or Lions. Don’t you think those other teams wish they could have a Brady/Belichick/Kraft ego-off?
Eagles fans aren’t much better, they are just less successful! If you haven’t been threatened by, sworn at, or derogatorily slurred by your Eagles fan friends, you’re dealing with a real rarity. You know, like the type of Philadelphian who moved in with his auntie and uncle and Bel Air.
For Eagles and Patriots fans, it’s a race to the bottom for who has been disrespected worse and which fanbase is grittier.
It’s always sunny in Philadelphia!
Still not convinced? Here are some of the Patriots’ most famous fans: Donald Trump, Casey Affleck, Mark Wahlberg, Steven Tyler, Maria Menounos, Mike Stiriti, and Peter Griffin. And here are some of famous Eagles fans: Bill Cosby, Jim Cramer, Tara Reid, Carrot Top, Kellyanne Conway, and Frank Reynolds. One of those groups of people will be entirely happy, come Sunday.
Bottom line: There is a great chance the “Land of 10,000 Lakes” is about to become the “Land of 10,000 Smoldering Fires.” Minnesota doesn’t deserve to be the destination for the sportsmen of the Apocalypse. Minnesotans, if you fall into one of the dystopian futures we have seen on Netflix, we will pray for you to get re-upped for a few seasons of #peakTVcontent.
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