Hot Takes Tuesday with {Jack O’Shea}: Wonder Woman Ain’t All She’s Cracked Up to Be

Hot Takes for Tuesday June 7, 2017

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1. The Scripps National Spelling Bee should be a Celebrity Pro-Am.

For one week every year, we all put down our pitchforks and stop tweeting about how offended we are, and watch a bunch of tweens try to spell make believe words in front of a TV audience of more than a million people.

I love the Scripps National Spelling Bee. Hell, everyone loves the Scripps National Spelling Bee. Let’s stop kidding ourselves, the Bee is literally the prototype of naptime television. I wouldn’t be surprised if the whole thing was concocted by whatever company makes the Snuggie in order to sell more blankets.

Who are we kidding, these puppies sell themselves.

Every year I try my best to compete with those little Einsteins, and by golly every year those nerds beat me…

And that’s where I think the real money is.

I’m a little ashamed to admit it, but when I watch the National Spelling Bee, I subconsciously root for the kids to fail. What I really want to see is a kid misspell “gladiolus” so I can feel better about myself. Which is why I really want to see obscure celebrities attempt to spell “chihuahua.”

The celebrity golf pro-am they do every year appeals to those of us who don’t want to watch a bunch of professional golfers compete (although golf is the second best naptime television out there), but who do want to watch Bill Murray play 18 holes with a funny mustache.

#goals

Bill Murray is so entertaining that I want to watch him try to spell “beautiful,” a word that I know for a FACT that I can spell thanks to Jim Carrey in Bruce Almighty.

The tricky part is the “u.”

 We watch celebrities do things poorly all the time. They dance crappy on Dancing with the Stars. They sing like banshees in James Corden’s carpool karaoke. We even watch them suck at charades during Hollywood Game Night. Why not test their brains alongside adorable pre-pubescent goobers in a pro-am Spelling Bee?

Take Temperature:

4/10 – Tepid.

2. All Politicians should be WWE Wrestlers first.

It’s actually not that unusual for handshakers and baby kissers to start their careers in the squared circle. Hell, Jesse “The Body” Ventura was the 38th governor of Minnesota, and he used to be known for a wrestling move called “the reverse bulldog.”

The only thing harder than his pecs is his stance on tax reform.

Last year, Terrence “Rhyno” Gerin announced he’s campaigning for a state representative spot in Michigan. And just last week, Glenn Jacobs AKA Kane announced he’s running for mayor in Knox, Tennessee.

He’s got my vote.

For better or for worse, Donald Trump becoming President of the United States has shown that you don’t have to be a career politician to get elected into office, and I personally think that’s a great thing. In fact, I can’t think of a profession that better prepares you for politics than wrestling in the WWE.

How do you think this dude got the gig?

These musclebound heroes work and travel the country 52 weeks a year. That’s a hell of a campaign trail. The only people who’ve seen more of these great United States are long haul truck drivers (who would also make good politicians if it weren’t for all the meth).

They’re well versed in debate. Don’t believe me? Just watch this dope ass clip of The Rock’s Top 10 verbal smackdowns.

Can you imagine a world in which one presidential candidate calls the other a “500 pound thong wearing fatty?” I can. It’s glorious.

And most importantly, having a WWE superstar in office is just a power move for whatever city, county, state, or country they represent. Imagine this dude standing next to Putin…

The only reason he’s going to the Paris Summit is to throw suckas off that bitch.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: John Cena should be the president of the United States. Who better to handle health care reform than a dude with 6 percent body fat?

Take Temperature:

6/10 — Can you smell what the Senate is cooking?

3. Wonder Woman and Captain America? I’m not buying it.

I think we can all agree that there are only two types of superhero movies: comic book flicks and gritty dramas.

Comic book flicks, like The Avengers and Guardians of the Galaxy, are chock full of bright colors, soft comedy, and super villains that are more quirky than evil. And while they are set in New York City or Russia or Mars, we all know that they are supposed to take place in an alternate universe. This is what separates them from their grittier counterparts.

Gritty superhero dramas, like The Dark Knight or Logan, are supposed to feel real. They take place in our actual universe. There are no goofy catchphrases. The heroes aren’t witty. The villains are sadistic, and they actually kill people.

Both comic book flicks and gritty superhero dramas are entertaining, though for different reasons. But lately, we’ve seen a lot of superhero movies that try to be both. It’s like steak and ice cream: it sounds good, but it just doesn’t work.

Suicide Squad is obviously the best example of a superhero movie that tries to be both steak and ice cream. There are tons of things wrong with that movie, but where they officially lost me was when I saw a guy who was half-man half-crocodile dressed like he was in an 8 Mile spinoff.

Movies can’t be gritty if they feel fake, and a half-man half-crocodile with a fire mixtape just doesn’t feel real to me. Which is why, even without seeing it, I know I’m not going to like Wonder Woman.

From the trailers alone, I know that Wonder Woman is meant to be a gritty drama. But, if your superpower includes being really good with a lasso and wearing wrist guards, you’re probably better suited for a job at Cirque du Soleil than a life of crime fighting. Those are comic book skills, not what-a-dark-twisted-world skills. And no disrespect, but no one with hair this perfect can convince me they’re gritty.

Salon-ready, because sometimes you have to fight crime and then go to prom.

Captain America is another one that I just can’t get on board with. I get that he’s good with the shield, but you can’t defeat terrorists with a positive attitude alone.

Basically, if directors want to make movies with superheroes whose main superpowers are moral righteousness , they need to take them out of the same universe as Batman. It’s OK to be a little hammy. The comic book world needs heroes too.

Take Temperature:

7/10 — Like the fire guy from Suicide Squad.

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