Hot Takes Tuesday with Jack O’Shea

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Welcome to my first EVER “Hot Takes” Tuesday weekly column. The reason I put quotation marks around the words “hot” and “take” is because—HOT TAKE!—the term “hot take” is so overused these days. People start sentences (or tweets) with “hot take…” just to grab attention, or to put a safety net around their opinions.

Fuck that. There are two simple factors that make something a hot take, and to help me explain these two factors I’ve written a small #fakenews story below.

For the past 5 years, Tim the goldfish and Peggy the Atlantic bluefin tuna have been having a turf war over a small piece of underwater property off the coast of Hamilton, Bermuda. Tim claims the land belongs to him because his grandfather founded it 12 years ago, and Tim inherited it when his grandfather died of a brain aneurism. Peggy claims that the belongs to her because she is over a thousand times larger than Tim, and Tim can just go fuck himself.

What Makes Something a “Hot Take”

1. It’s new.

Tim and Peggy’s disagreement is beyond the statute of limitations for a hot take because it has been going on for years. You finally siding with Peggy is not a hot take. It’s just a regular ol’ room temperature take.

2. Most people disagree.

Saying that Tim should get the property because his grandfather left it to him in his will is not a hot take. Most people (and fish for that matter) agree with that opinion.

If you said that Peggy deserves the property because Tim’s grandfather was a fish Nazi, you would have a hot take on your hands. Because there is very little evidence that Tim’s grandfather was a fish Nazi. It’s pure conjecture.

So, even though this column will be called Hot Takes Tuesday, not all of my “hot takes” will be Straight Outta Death Valley. Some will be hot, some will be warm, a few will be tepid, and one or two might be as stone cold as Steve Austin.

Hot Takes for Tuesday March 7, 2017

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For the first edition of Hot Takes Tuesday with Jack O’Shea—presented by AutoZone—I am going to stick exclusively to hot takes about sports. A lot of these takes may have been originally thought up by my brother, Henry “Long Hair, Don’t Care” O’Shea, or my father, Mike “Make Some Magic Why Don’t Ya” O’Shea. I honestly don’t remember who came up with what. Alcohol is a memory loss drug, children.

 1. Legalize steroids in baseball.

Major League baseball has been trying to grow its young fan base for decades. The main problem, according to literally everybody ever, is that baseball is boring when compared to the other major sports, and “kids these days” have the attention span of a cocker spaniel in a Dave & Buster’s.

But instead of worrying about speeding up the game by rushing pitchers, hitters, and umpires, the MLB should simply stop drug testing its players. It doesn’t matter if the game is 3 hours long if the product on the field is finger lickin’ good.

It’s OK if pitchers want to superstitiously step off the mound, lick the dirt, and point to their mom in the stands between every pitch, IF they’re throwing the ball 120 mph. It’s OK if batters want to take 17 seconds between pitches to superstitiously readjust their batting gloves, IF we’re watching them hit 600 foot home runs. Baseball isn’t a dangerous game like football, where roided out linebackers pose a physical threat to old and frail quarterbacks like Tom Brady. The only reason we don’t want our baseball players on steroids is because it’s considered “cheating.” But, in a way, if everyone is cheating, then no one is cheating.

TL;DR: Fewer Ichiros, more Mark McGwires.

Imagine what this dude would be like if he was juicing! 

Take Temperature:

7/10 – Thai Curry sauce at Buffalo Wild Wings

2. Put a 12-foot patch of ice in the middle of every NBA basketball court.

Hear me out… It’s definitely fun to watch NBA highlights on SportsCenter. But, if you ever truly sit down and watch a full NBA game (that you don’t have money on), you will inevitably get a little bored. They do the same thing over and over and over and over again: dribble, pass, shoot, repeat. It’s too repetitive. And iff the worst team in the league is averaging 105.3 points per game, the game is probably a little too easy.

So, here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to turn 12 of the 92 feet on a basketball court into an ice skating rink. The foundation of the game is still dribble, pass, shoot, but the transitions will be a lot more difficult, thus a lot more fun to watch.

Just think of all the surprises in store for the fans. Will each team devote one full player to be on skates? Will players attempt to slide—penguin style—across half court? Will a player on skates ever dunk a ball? Cause that would be freakin’ awesome.

It would also bring an influx of Canadians into the NBA. So it’s basically a win/win for everyone, especially the stadium crew whose job it is to change the basketball court into an ice hockey rink every other night.

We just made their job 13% easier.

Take Temperature:

9/10 – Jennifer Aniston in 2002

3. Add villains to American Ninja Warrior.

I don’t even know if American Ninja Warrior is a real sport, but for the inaugural Hot Takes Tuesday, we’re going to count it because it is so fun to watch. One of my ultimate fantasies (in addition to creating a worldwide network for people named Jack O’Shea) is to have an ANW obstacle course in my backyard.

The problem with American Ninja Warrior, is that the competitors are just too friendly with one another. Sometimes—like when they clap enthusiastically when their own competition beats them—I think the show should be called UN-American Ninja Warrior!

These “ninjas” are just as satisfied with the participation medal as they are with the championship trophy. But, if the players aren’t competitive, then it’s not really a competition. I’m all for sportsmanship, but come on! Show us a little leg!

ANW needs to take a page out of the WWE’s book and add bad guys to the storyline. They need a few Kurt Angle types to bring out the drama. They need a guy who trains in Russia and loves eating dogs or something. Have that guy compete against the firefighter that donates all his winnings to orphans in Syria and watch the ratings skyrocket!

They need Kurt!

Take Temperature:

2/10 – A DiGiorno pizza after 15 seconds in the microwave.

4. Take the stick away from one player on each hockey team.

Hockey is easily the most fun sport to watch live. Hockey fans are the best: they drink, they fight, they boo, and a lot of them are Canadian. But watching hockey on TV is tough because even though the rink is white as Tom Hanks and the puck is black as the BET Awards, the puck is so small that it’s hard to follow the action.

Pretty much the only reason I watch hockey on TV is to see some nasty checks and nastier fights.

So how do we make those happen more often? Devote an entire position to it. Take the stick away from one player on the ice at all times, and watch them skate around trying to lay people out like a guy on PCP playing Donald Duck in Disney on Ice.

Heed my advice, NHL: turn the rink into WorldStarHipHop.

Worldstaaaaaaaaarrrrr

Take Temperature:

9/10 – Brad Pitt in Fight Club

5. Paul George will never reach his full potential because his name is boring.

I strongly believe this. Paul George has made the all-star team in four of his five full seasons. He’s, like, really good at basketball. But, if you don’t actively follow the NBA, you probably have no idea who Paul George is, and for mainly one reason… his name is half of The Beatles.

If you asked me who Paul George is, and I didn’t know him already, my first guess would be that he is a founding father of these great United States (“small forward for the Indiana Pacers” would be, like, my 11^th guess). If his parents had the foresight to call him something with a little unique NBA-style flair like, say, Carmelo Anthony, the dude would be a household name. Instead, he’s just a guy you hear about when the trade deadline comes up.

My suggestion: Paul George should change his name to either Andre Delicious or DePaul World Peace. Jersey sales would go through the roof, and his place in NBA history would be more secure.

Maybe he wouldn’t have gotten injured in 2014 either #TheButterflyEffect

Take Temperature:

6/10 – Coffee from the McDonald’s drive-thru.

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