Hot Takes Tuesday with {Jack O’Shea}: Boston Sports Are The Worst

Hot Takes for Tuesday May 9, 2017

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1. Boston is to Sports Towns what Long John Silver’s is to Seafood.

I hate to loop Long John Silver’s into this, because they really are just trying their best, but the analogy is just too spot on to ignore.

I’ve already written extensively about my feelings toward Matt Damon and Ben Affleck’s favorite sports teams. I think know they’re a bunch of cheaters, thugs, and fat–shamers, and that has only become even more evident over the past few weeks.

On April 23rd, a Red Sox relief pitcher, Matt Barnes, threw a 96 mph fastball at Manny Machado’s head.

I guess the ball just slipped.

And while the sport of baseball is only slightly more violent than miniputt golf, getting hit in the head with a rock going flying above the max speed of a Smart Car definitely doesn’t feel very good.

Then, on May 1st, Orioles outfielder Adam Jones claimed that Red Sox fans at Fenway Park taunted him with racial slurs as he entered the ballpark. “I’ve never been called the ‘N’ word anywhere but in Boston,” Jones said.

And when Jones says “the ‘N’ word,” he’s referring to, like, the BAD “N” word. Not “Nidoking,” the first-generation poison and ground type Pokémon, which would STILL probably be construed as a backhanded compliment at the very least, because everyone knows that Nidoqueen is the baddest bitch in the whole Nido family.

Look at Nidoqueen tellin’ that fat fuck Snorlax what’s good.

And finally, this past week the Celtics have only furthered the wonderfully shitty reputation of Boston sports, by taking cheap shots at MY Washington Wizards.

There have been literally too many fights and ejections in this series to list them all, but the entire feud can be summarized by this one gif of Celtics forward, Jae Crowder (a man who still hasn’t put forth an alibi for the Kennedy assassination) bopping John Wall on the nose.

Numerous sources have placed Crowder in the grassy knoll on that fateful day in Dallas.

Keep it up, Boston.

Take Temperature:

-10/10 – Global warming is a lie.

2. We need more TV channel-themed restaurants.

From the ages of 7 to 12 I had all of my birthday parties at Benihana. It was awesome. You eat fried rice, you drink non-alcoholic cocktails out of a ceramic fat guy, you hit a gong, and an Asian guy makes a stack of onions look like a fiery volcano in front of your very eyes. Absolute bliss. There is really nothing better than dinner AND a show, which is exactly what the good folks at Benihana provide. That’s why I exclusively take all of my dates to Medieval Times.

So they know I’m classy.

And while the majority of my friends also celebrated their birthdays at Benihana—man, did they monopolize the ‘tween demo—once or twice a year, a friend with divorced parents got to celebrate his birthday at a restaurant with chicken fingers as crispy as Keith Olbermann hair, where the TVs stacked as high as onion volcanoes.

Remember ESPN Zone? It was badass. You sat on high stools and ate nachos and undercooked burgers for dinner, while running around the place and playing arcade games. Whatever sporting event aired, you could find it on a big ass TV screen in the front of the restaurant. And you sat on the plastic snowmobile seat to play Arctic Thunder while your friend’s dad explained to the other chaperone how he should’ve seen the signs that his marriage was falling apart over a few pints of Miller Genuine Draft.

I was so bad at this game.

Well, in 2009, the mortgage bubble burst and the economy collapsed and the market for a TV channel-themed arcade and sports bar went the way of Mitt Romney’s presidential dreams. ESPN Zone closed up shop, and everyone but the Benihana shareholders have been mourning ever since.

We NEED to bring back ESPN Zone.

But, more than that, we need to bring about more TV channel-themed restaurants. The things I would do to enjoy some happy hour sliders at a TNT Zone, where everything would be super intense and super red-and-black and Rizzoli & Isles would be blasting throughout the speaker system so all of the patrons can enjoy Angie Harmon and Sasha Alexander’s witty back-and-forth.

It’s their DIFFERENCES that make them work so well together.

There’s a difference between things you want and things you need. I want John Cena to reclaim the WWE Heavyweight Championship belt from that smug bastard Randy Orton; I need him to resume his rapping career. And, on that note, I need a WWE themed restaurant to take my friends to on my birthday.

Take Temperature:

3/10 — You might need a glass of water.

3. Diet Snapple just needs to go away.

I’m a creature of habit. Seriously. I will have the same daily routine for weeks, months, and sometimes years at a time. I’m certainly not OCD, like that guy in the widely-acclaimed USA Network comedy-drama detective mystery series, Monk.

It’s the best show you’re not watching!

But I definitely have knack for falling into a rhythm.

I’ve used the same deodorant for the past 14 years—Speed Stick Fresh—the same one my dad has used since like 1926 (I’m not positive how old Big Mike actually is). I’ve watched The Office before going to sleep every single night for the past 4 years.

It’s the best show you’re not watching!

And I’ve eaten the same breakfast every single day for the past 2 months. I go to a little spot called Bagels—they make the BEST bagels at Bagels—and order a salt bagel with butter, and an everything bagel with jalapeño cream cheese. On my way to the register I pass by their fridge, and snag a lemon Snapple iced tea. I read the Snapple fact, eat one of the bagels in my car, and eat the second when I get to work. It’s a great way to start the day, and best of all, I am now good friends with a bunch of people who work at a bagel store.

But, every now and then the fridge at Bagels will run out of lemon Snapple iced tea. This slight change in my morning routine really throws me for a loop. I get uncomfortable. I get that feeling you get when you forget to brush your teeth. I’m vulnerable.

It’s the best show you’re not watching.

So, last week, Bagels was out of lemon Snapple iced tea for like 4 days in a row. The first 3 days, I just settled for a bottle of the water—gross! But on the fourth day, I was really going through withdrawal, and jonesing for some LemSnap, so I made the dumbest decision I have ever made since that I took my friend’s Vespa on the freeway.

I got a Diet Lemon Snapple iced tea.

This tasted worse than water. And water is flavorless, mind you. I felt like I was drinking LemSnap’s inbred cousin. It tasted like someone had spiked my LemSnap with a bunch of crushed up Tylenol. It ruined my day, and pending how the Nats do this season, it may have ruined my year.

Why on Earth does Snapple even make a diet version of their drinks? Who in their right mind would be both on a diet and drinking Snapple? Who in their right mind would go to Bagels when they are on a diet?

These questions have no answers. It’s a major oversight made by a company that claims to use “the best stuff on earth,” but then decides to load up the greatest drink of all time with a batch of carcinogens.

Lemon Snapple tea, I wish I knew how to quit you…

Does Costco sell Snapple?

Take Temperature:

7/10 Might want to consider wearing sunscreen

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