Prompt Images
Hot Takes for Tuesday May 16, 2017
Presented by 
1. We need to stop purposely misspelling stuff because it’s Kool/Kewl.
There’s a daycare center near my house called Kids Klub. I hate this place, and almost solely because of the name. I’m a slightly above average speller—I’d put myself in the 62 percent range—so this isn’t me being snobby and superior. But stuff like this is how you get an entire generation of kids to think the word “club” is spelled with a “k.”
I’m about to get all riled up about this. Picture the meeting where they’re trying to come up with the name for a daycare center. Martha suggests Rise and Shine. Tom suggests Healthy Start. Eric’s been waiting his turn, but then Richard—the youngest and hippest member of the board who only wears t-shirts with witty sayings—interrupts him and runs up to a whiteboard to propose his idea. He can’t SAY it aloud… he has to write it for it to really sink in.
Kids Klub, Richard writes. Why? Because spelling words with a “k” that should be spelled with a “c” is rebellious, and therefore kool. But daycare centers aren’t supposed to be kool. They’re supposed to watch a bunch of kids until their parents finish work. They’re supposed to teach kids how to read, and not to talk to strangers, and how to hold scissors properly—I distinctly recall the whole scissors thing being very important.
This is how you’re supposed to hold them, FYI.
This has real world implications. Like how until I was 9 or 10 years-old, I thought the word “socks” was spelled “sox,” because the Boston Red Sox organization figured that if they’re going to be named after a rancid pair of clothing, they might as well fuck with little kids learning to read. It’s time to cut the crap.
No more Ke$ha. No more Froot Loops. No more Mortal Kombat. Kool Aid gets a pass, because not only do they spell “cool” incorrectly, but they also spell “ade” like a bunch of hillbillies. This is what we call a double whammy, and a rare instance of one purposeful misspelling cancelling out the other.
You know who doesn’t get a pass though? Kat Williams. Come on, dude.
Take Temperature:
4/10 – That chili doesn’t even need the cornbread.
2. Relegation: the NBA should take a page out of the Premier League’s book.
I’m not a big fan of soccer. Any sport where the only pads you wear are just slightly above your sox is not a sport for me. Some players also wear protective headgear, for what I can only imagine is just in case a real sport spontaneously breaks out mid-game. And while these helmets are sexy, they still don’t negate the whole shin guard thing.
Sexy af.
But while I don’t really like soccer, I think those Europeans had a few good ideas when it comes to regulating their sports leagues.
I’ve written a bunch about how screwed up the NBA is, and after my roommate told me how the soccer leagues in England work, I realized that it might be the perfect solution to remedy my woes with the hardcourt.
Basically, the Premier League is broken up into 8 different tiers, each with 20-24 teams. The bottom 3 teams in each tier drop down the next season, and the top 3 teams in each tier hop up.
Aside from my ingenious proposition to turn a third of the court into an ice rink, this is literally the perfect solution. Break up the NBA into 3 tiers with roughly 10 teams a piece. Let the Knicks play the 76ers and the Suns and the Timberwolves. Force the Cavs and the Warriors to play hard every night—no cupcakes. And watch Russell Westbrook play his ass off to propel the Thunder into the top tier.
Every game will be competitive. Teams would no longer have rebuilding years, where they purposely tank with the hope of getting a high draft pick. They’d know that even with a high draft pick, if your team sucks, you won’t be in the top tier, playing for the championship anyway.
Other than the bladeless fan, British people haven’t added much to human society. But the way the Premier League operates is definitely a great innovation—especially for some dumbass redcoats.
Science.
Take Temperature:
8/10 — This one’s going to singe some eyebrows.
3. Pizza Hut owes everyone an apology.
McDonald’s gets a lot of shit for being unhealthy. It’s everyone’s first point of reference in thinking of “junk food.” People always call it out to compare the price of a Happy Meal to fresh fruits and vegetables. And Morgan Spurlock made an entire documentary about the Super Size promotional deal. But there’s a much bigger villain in this story.
And there’s fucking Ringo Starr again!
Yeah, McDonald’s is bad for you. Yeah, it’s gross that they sold pink slime burgers and McNuggets until 2012. Yeah, it’ll tear your ass up. But at least McDonald’s has the common decency to be delicious. What’s YOUR excuse, Pizza Hut?
If you did a taste test with a Pizza Hut pizza side-by-side with a layer of crunchy cardboard, coated with the chunky remnants of a platelet transfusion, and then topped with burned white plastic, I’m not sure I could ever tell the difference. And that’s not ONLY because I wouldn’t eat either of those abominations. It’s because Pizza Hut is the most disgusting food impostor in the galaxy.
Just look at this monstrosity.
You call this a pizza? Don’t insult me.
That’s a personal pan pizza. It has a 6-inch diameter. And each of those itty bitty triangles—7.065 square inches of deceit, lies, and horror—has 150 calories. And for what?
The ingredients in pizza are really freaking simple: dough, sauce, and cheese. You really have to try hard—or just be the Antichrist—to get it this wrong. So, let’s give McDonald’s a break for a bit. They’re certainly not on Team Good Guy, but it’s time we put the full court press on somebody else for a bit. Pizza Hut: you’ve been warned.
Take Temperature:
5/10 — Not bad for a first-timer!
Like what you read this week? Enjoy last week’s #HotTakesTuesday with Jack O’Shea. And don’t forget to check back every Tuesday for another issue of Hot Takes Tuesday with Jack O’Shea, brought to you by.
RELATED
