{Dear Satan}: I Did Your Bidding in Idaho

Dear Satan,

I did what you asked me to do in Idaho, with the app and the caucuses and now am wondering if I can come home? I know I’ve only been here a few short decades and that many assignments up here last eons, but I really can’t stand watching these monkeys choose their leaders for much longer. It’s all just so pointless.

I think what bothers me—and as a demon, I guess this should bother me—is how earnest everyone is about these elections.

First, you have the red-hatted people who really think that they can restore greatness to their nation just by willing it, but when you ask them what used to be so great about it, they can’t tell you. There used to be lead in the atmosphere, and painted into their walls and onto the toys of their children, that turned them all into violent dullards. Is that what they yearn for? Why, just a few decades ago they would regularly die from diseases associated with sex—diseases that are now either curable or treatable. I thought they liked sex? Why, their grandparents were involved in a war that engulfed the entire planet and their parents were drafted into a smaller war that they were fighting for no reason and…

What is it they wish to recover? Van Halen before Hagar? I don’t get it.

On the other side, don’t get me started.

I like the Yang people. “I’ll vote for you. For $12,000! Long live democracy!”

Klobuchar supporters ignore that the woman ate salad off of her own hairbrush, claiming she’d had it washed even though everybody knows that demons spawn in human hair in the dead of night.

I like Biden, but when we met in the ‘60s he insisted my name was “Corn Pop.”

I can’t comment on Warren because I was her intern after law school, and I can’t comment on Buttigieg because he was my intern at McKinsey.

With Sanders, I wait for him to yell and then, unseen, I yell back at him, but with a voice that sounds like adoring thousands. This keeps him going.

Anyway, as you’d asked, I have them all talking about Idaho, for awhile and I…

You did ask about Idaho, didn’t you, Dark Lord?

You… did. And Idaho votes on March 10th, a week after Super Tuesday. Idaho, got it. So I guess I blew using a technology firm called Shadow, backed by financiers called ACRONYM, to sow confusion and dissent by deploying them in the wrong state. I think it’s a mistake that any demon could have made, to be honest (which I try not to be).

I’ll contact you again about coming home after I muck up Idaho for reals.

Kind disregards,

(Your Servant) Azazel