Dear Friends, I Am Sorry.

Dear friends,

I am sorry.

This time of year is full of self-reflection and atonement for my people. Appropriately, through introspection, I’ve come to a realization and want to apologize. It hit me that just because we are friends, that doesn’t mean we have to value all of the same things, in the same ways, to the same degrees, all of the time.

Everything doesn’t have to be a referendum on everything.

In the last year or so I have likely questioned or judged you, whether publicly or internally, and that is not OK.

First, I have tremendously high expectations for myself. I’m a doer. I like having things to do, all the time. Maybe you like me for that, or maybe it drives you crazy (or, more likely you are somewhere in between). I often take too many obligations on my plate, because I want to come through for everyone. And whether or not I find time for everything, it often comes with unnecessary stress, in the process. You did not sign up for those same expectations, and I am finally realizing that.

We all divide our free time differently.

I love to spread my energy across myriad activities and endeavors, while others may choose to bear down on a couple things that are especially important to them. Both routes are correct, and it shouldn’t have taken an epiphany for me to conceptualize that.

Maybe it’s because I spend so little time looking at a mirror, but It’s a lot easier for me to notice others’ absences, than it is for me to notice the same for myself. Sorry for expecting you to do all the things, all the time.

Furthermore, you certainly are not obligated to prioritize the same things I do. I love traveling, playing sports, being spontaneous, and making time for others at the disregarding of my own free time. Sorry for expecting that you should and would always want to do those things too.

The bottom line is that you and I are friends because we share things, whether those things are interests, values, history, location, fandoms, or something else. Being friends doesn’t mean we must share everything, except for a fondness of spending time together.

Same goes for my ludicrous competitiveness.

While this is clearly expressed most often and intensely through sport, I should never have expected or demanded that you match me, on the field or anywhere else. After all, why should you take a loss as badly as I take one? In fact it is probably better for everyone if you can get over a bad game more quickly than me.

Similarly, I have no magical measuring tool for ambition or drive. That was just my natural pretension. Not publicly demonstrating ambition in the way I do, is not a parallel for not having it. The same way me not publicly demonstrating affection in the way you choose to, does not equate a lack of love.

So you didn’t jump to organize that event or didn’t stay to make sure everything was fine before you left. Maybe you didn’t reply to that email quickly or even at all. And you haven’t been as quick to make the journey to me as I have to make the journey to you. That doesn’t require an in-depth review of your character. And since we are friends, you’ve already passed that test.

And then there are also friends who aren’t even reading this, because they don’t enjoy or don’t have time for The Prompt. Even though I wish they did, we mortals cannot support everything. That doesn’t make them any lesser in my eyes, and doesn’t make this apology any less for them. Everytime we choose to do something, we are also choosing not to do other things at that moment. Your hobbies are yours, and how dare I ever think otherwise? To those friends not reading, I am sorry to you too.

Here’s what I can promise though.

Even this epiphany is not going to stop me from sporting the same persistence and follow through. I will still be the over-organizer, the dogged teammate, and the all-in friend. Ideally you won’t notice any difference on the outside, so you’ll just have to remember that I am sorry.