{To BB or Not To BB:} FAQs for the World’s Last BlackBerry Loyalist

In 4th grade, my school had something called The Battle of the Books, in which teams of five were responsible for reading a total of 15 books and competing in a little knowledge bee. My group took first place at Applegate Elementary, so we went on to compete against other schools in the district… where we proceeded to have our little applebottoms handed to us; we finished dead last.

With our heads hung low, we trudged back to face our peers. I pinned a sign to my shirt, with the results of our debasing performance handwritten for everyone to read. It was a cry for attention, thinly veiled as its direct opposite.

What I’m trying to say is, if you were to accuse me of pulling a stunt just to get a reaction or to prove a point, historically you would be correct.

This is not one of those things.

Hello, my name is Jillian Conochan, and I use a BlackBerry. These are the 20 questions I answer every day.

1. Is that a BlackBerry???! Yes

2. They still make those? Clearly

3a. What are you, a lawyer? No

3b. Do you work on Capitol Hill? I thought they finally switched… No

3c. Does work make you have it? No, it’s a choice.

4. Whaddyu, like, hate iPhones? Kind of—

5. What?! Why?!!! You do realize there are other providers out there besides Apple, right?

6.

I may have to retrieve them from an app called “Emoji Pack Pro,” but nothing can stand in the way of me and the 💯 symbol.

7. You have apps on that thing? First of all, isn’t BBM, like, the original app? I—

8. Wait you have BBM? Comes standard!!!

9. Who do you even talk to on that? (sheepishly) No one. But anyway, getting back t—

Oh man, I used to love BBM! Yeah, it was pretty great. Which brings me to my point, apps. Now I use WhatsApp. I have Twitter. I have Facebook. I have a Weather app, a Maps app, Evernote, iGrann—

10. What’s iGrann? You know what? I don’t want to do this anymore.

Oh, like Instagram? That’s hilarious. Yeah, and we call Shazam “SoundHound.”

11. Oh this is rich. Do you have Uber? No, but you do! I haven’t paid for a ride in 3 years.

P.S.(A.): You should swap Uber for Lyft; stay woke.

12. I just can’t believe anyone still has a BlackBerry. Are you, like, trying to make a statement? No! I hate this! I just like having a keyboard.

13. But… all phones have keyboards? [through gritted teeth] I like buttons.

14. Does it have the ball? No ball, but it does have a small trackpad. Mostly I use the touchscreen like everybody else.

Hahahahaha, that screen is so small! Yeah and guess how many times it’s broken in two years?

15. Two years? Why haven’t you upgraded in two years??! ZERO! THE SCREEN HAS BROKEN ZERO TIMES IN TWO YEARS! IT’S A REALLY RELIABLE PHONE!

(bbŏȵġ!)

16. What was that? I just got a text message.

Well, I have to admit that BlackBerry has the best sounds. Yeah not bad.

17. Don’t you feel like you’re missing out? There are definitely shortcomings. The camera sucks. I can’t set this Boomerang, shot by a friend of course, as my profile pic. Just today I had to return the Alexa that my BFF sent me for my birthday, because I can’t get the app (Sorry again, BFF 😔).

18. So what do you even like about it? I dunno, I get my emails just fine, I’m a master texter thanks to the keyboard, I can download podcasts. I manage two Twitter accounts, and haven’t even ever accidentally written something intended for my personal account from The Prompt’s account*.

*shameless plug 🚨 Follow us on Twitter!

19. Real talk though, why do you still have a BlackBerry? I guess I’ve just never been so keen on tech and I value the keyboard over—

20. Over being relevant in modern times? Sorry, did you say something? I couldn’t hear you over the butter I was churning.