An Incomplete and Growing List of Foods and Flavors that are White Nonsense

It started with Sno-Caps.

My best friend and I realized that our significant others (both white men) love this so-called candy. While I can get behind chocolate and nonpareils separately, this terrible combination is not candy to me—it’s punishment. There is simply no other explanation for anyone thinking this counts as a sweet treat than “white nonsense.” Plus, leave it to white people to make other white people think it’s perfectly logical to buy what is literally a 3.5-ounce box of chocolate chips when they could buy a 12-ounce bag at the grocery store for less than a dollar more.

As such, we began lamenting (and silently gagging at the thought of) all the foods and food flavors that white people are trying to pass off as delicious when, in fact, they are garbage that people should feel bad about enjoying.

It turns out there’s a lot of culinary white nonsense.

For your consideration:

Sno-Caps, obviously

Black licorice

Most of the Do Us a Flavor Lay’s submissions (except for Sriracha… That was legit. RIP)

Bacon and anything bacon-flavored (Please, White America. Just give it up.)

Jagerbombs

Fruitcake

Coleslaw

Mayonnaise

Kale

Mountain Dew

SPAM (We should all be better than canned, semi-gelatinous meat)

Cinnamon-flavored liquor

Cotton candy-flavored liquor

Green bean casserole (Does anyone even touch this come the holidays? Somehow it’s just there.)

Non-salad salads, as in fruit, macaroni, and tuna

Ranch dressing

Thousand Island dressing

The Double Down—that MONSTROSITY of a sandwich from KFC that used fried chicken as bread

KFC in general, actually (It sucks. Just go to Popeyes. Even if it requires crossing state lines.)

The McRib

Monte Cristo sandwiches that have jelly and/or powdered sugar on them

This horror show called a “banana roll salad”

The buttered popcorn flavored jelly beans

Eating any of the non-food flavored Bernie Botts jelly beans (because while the fact that these exist is fine, there is a line that can be crossed when expressing your love of Harry Potter, and willingly consuming Dirt, Rotten Egg, or Vomit-flavored candy is definitely it.)

Vegetables (because NOTHING IS A VEGETABLE. Look into it; there’s no cohesive definition of what a vegetable is. This is less culinary nonsense than it is scientific nonsense, but it feels like the kind of nonsense that white people would perpetuate!)

State fair food (Some of it is delicious, but honestly, we need to stop frying everything just because we can)

Candy corn

The banana split, watermelon, candy corn, and limeade specialty Oreo flavors

Elvis’s infamous Fool’s Gold sandwich (So. Much. Nope.)

The turducken