Activism: The Attendance Policy Is Now In Effect

Bros and Lady Bros,

See how I added “Lady” to bros and made it ironic and diminutive? That’s what I’m about to do to this fucking Trump agenda.

So, look, I know some of you missed the Women’s March. I know this because your Facebook and Insta feeds were decidedly barren of righteous women and the following inspirational emoji collection: ✊🏽👯🏛💪🏽🇺🇸

I get it. We all have laundry to do. Or maybe you had a thing that day. Or maybe you didn’t know it was going to be such a global thing that day.

Maybe you hate crowds or standing in the same place for five hours while holding your pee, slowly dehydrating, and praying that your nearby allies are courteous enough not to drop a surreptitious fart. Maybe you had no one to go with you. Maybe you just had surgery.

My point is, I am not here to make you feel guilty for what you did or didn’t do that one Saturday in January. It’s not my place to say that if you didn’t show up this one time, that you’re somehow less down for the cause. For democracy.

You didn’t have to be there. There were plenty of us. And we were fucking magnificent.

But here’s the deal, humans of Earth. Particularly you, America.

The attendance policy is now in effect.

Oh yes, my friends. No more of this “I’m with you in spirit” thing. No more social media solidarity from your couch. I want to see less wining and whining, more signing and shining. I want your ass out here.

Because decisions are made by people who show up.

You want to act like you give a fuck? You want to restore your own faith in what you believe in? You want to resist a narcissistic, racist, authoritarian monster with that hair?

Well, then you better start doing some shit. On the regular.

I know you’re busy. I know it’s hard. I know you have a life and dinner plans and a book club and a vacation coming up in April and you really wanted to get in shape for it. But this is more important. And we fucking NEED you out there, doing what you can.

But don’t worry, my sisters and brothers, I got you. I have ideas. Big ideas. Little ideas. Important ideas that spread democracy.

YOU: Well, I have no money.

ME: OK, so then get out there and put in work.

There are some organizations in your community that could use your help. So pick an issue, any issue. Something that makes you really happy or really fucking angry. What is it? Education? Immigration? Reproductive rights? Childhood obesity?

OK, well then Google it. Try a search term like “education organizations [your town/city]” and then read up on how you can help them. Don’t just send them an email one time to be like “hey great org!” and then pretending you did a thing.

Actually do a thing. And then keep doing it. Because improving your community and being a good citizen are not passive acts. They require ongoing and sustained engagement. They require that you occasionally wake up early or stay late or cancel your brunch plans. They require that you put the needs of others above your own sometimes.

But that’s what you want, isn’t it? That’s how this whole thing works, right?

YOU: But you don’t understand, I’m sooooo busy.

ME: OK, so then put your money where your mouth is.

Some of you don’t have enough time* to march or volunteer. But if you’re so busy with work and managing your simple life, then you must not have the free time to spend that cheddar. Which is important, because if you’re freeloading on the participation tip, you better have some chump change to throw at the people who are doing the damn work out here.

I’m talking about monthly donations. Democracy isn’t a Catholic baptism: you can’t just do it one time and be set for life. You have to re-up your shit constantly. So pick some charities and make a meaningful donation every single month.

If you’re not the one doing the work (because bruh, you’re CRAZY busy), then you have to FEEL this somehow. You should look at your credit card statement and be like THE FUCK AM I SPENDING SO MUCH ON? And then realize that your donations are the price you pay for being so busy. It’s a trade off. You chose to keep all your time, so you don’t get to keep all your money and pretend like you’re down for democracy.

*This is all relative and based on your own personal threshold for the weight you can carry. Together, we’re going to learn how to be stronger. This can’t be your excuse for much longer. Sort it out. Quit an activity. When democracy falls, do you REALLY want to be the person who was like yeah but that last season of The Night Manager was totally worth this totalitarian state/nuclear holocaust.

YOU: Bruh, I’m already doing these things. HARD. What else?

ME: Great! You’re ready to be a constant annoyance to the people you elected.

You know how you Like and comment on like everyone’s fucking Facebook posts or spend 13 minutes picking an awe-inspiring filter/hilarious caption for your Insta post? Well, take that energy, and call your mayor. Call your assemblyman/woman. And if you’re lucky enough to have them (shameless plug for D.C. statehood!), call your representative, senator, and governor. 

Emails and petitions are better than nothing, but like, you know how annoying it is to stop what you’re doing to answer the phone? That’s exactly why you have to call those people. They want you to go away, but you won’t go away until you are happy. And you aren’t happy until your priorities are addressed. So, by the transitive property or modus ponens (someone got an A+ in her 2003 Intro to Logic class 🙋🏼), your representatives want to address your priorities.

TAKE IT TO THEM. Every damn day.

YOU: Oh my God, I am so annoying. Democracy is a perfect fit. What else can I do?

ME: Pay the fuck attention.

Until sixth grade, I woke up at 6 A.M.—a full two hours before leaving for school—just so I could watch Mr. Wizard on Nickelodeon. The habit of waking up early has never left me, but now, I use that time to listen to the PBS NewsHour podcast, read The Washington Post, and become completely appalled before I even eat breakfast.

Knowing what’s going on really fires you the fuck up. And, superbonus! helps with weight loss. You know, with all the violent retching and loss of appetite.

Ignorance is not bliss—that’s just what fat white guys say to their beautiful wives. Ignorance is fucking lazy. And you, young revolutionary, are not lazy. You are strong. You are invincible. You are woman (or comfortable enough being called a woman because you are not insecure, piggish, or repressing your sexual identity).

So grab a stress ball and read the news. Listen to Judy Woodruff and then scream into a pillow. And when you have all that down, start over with the volunteering and the donating and the calling.

This ain’t a game. Your country needs you informed.

YOU: When does this exhausting process stop?

ME: Literally never.

This is what happened because we stopped. And this, obviously, is unacceptable.

The good news is that midterm elections are just two years away. The bad news is that midterm elections are two motherfucking years away. The worse news is that the presidential election is four years—and so many bad decisions—away.

The great news is that this is America. And we wrestled freedom from an ugly monarch and built this republic with nothing but our morals and wits. If history repeats itself, then an old, fat guy who eats pizza with a fork doesn’t stand a chance.

It won’t be easy, but it doesn’t have to be. This is the fight of our lives. If we work hard enough, we can win this. And we have to win this. There is no alternative outcome.

The first thing we have to do is work on our fitness.

So, everyone on the line. We’re running sprints. There’s going to be lots of sweating and some puking. But we’re going to win this goddamn thing if it kills us.